Harry Potter's Freakshow
by Maximus Higgins
Summary: PostDH. Harry has a job as a Magical Detective, and he also plays Pro Quidditch on the side. The war has turned him into an alcoholic with a short temper. As he ignores his own problems, he discovers he will have to once again, save the world from idiots.
1. Meeting with the Ministers

**Disclaimer: Do not attempt to read the leader of your country's mind. You will only get funny looks, also, Harry Potter isn't mine, I do not own it. I also don't own the contents of any plastic baggies in my possession, either.**

**A/N: I overhauled the story a bit. Nothings changed much, I just changed the wording a bit and fixed some grammar. I also combined Chapter Two into Chapter One because they were both pretty short. So now, what was Chapter 3 is now Chapter 2, and so on and so forth.  
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"This is some funny shit," Harry Potter said to himself, amused.

He looked around an average looking backyard looking for clues about dark wizard activity. Far in the back he found a large pentagram sprawled out on the ground, with what must have been a fire in the middle. This could be the work of dark wizards, he thought, if it wasn't for all the plastic cups littering the ground around it. Off to the side, he spotted a round indentation in the grass, about the size of a beer keg.

His mind started wandering from the investigation at hand. He was a private investigator. It had been 2 years since he defeated Voldemort in the Great Hall of Hogwarts. He still missed being Hogwarts, but had not returned yet. Professor McGonagall took over as the Headmistress and offered Harry the Defense Against Dark Arts teaching position. He turned it down, though. He also turned down plenty of Ministry positions, including being an Auror. He still went through training, but resigned after he graduated from the academy. He didn't want anything to do with the Ministry. Some people even tried nominating him for Minister of Magic. He hated politics, and he hated politicians even more.

He walked back to the house where a good looking woman in her mid-thirties stood. "You say you were gone for a week, and just spotted this today when you got back?"

"Yes, it looks like the work of evil, right?" she said.

"Sure does, but its otherwise harmless. The local kids must have had a party back here while you were gone," Harry said.

"Really?" she asked.

"Yeah, although I wonder about the kind of group they were, must have been some fagot goth kids or something, pentagrams..." He said, mostly thinking aloud to himself and shaking his head.

Right, case closed anyway. He walked back and cleaned up the site with a few flicks of his wand. He wondered if things were going this slow for the Aurors too. He liked being a private investigator. He didn't have to follow some stupid protocol like an Auror, plus he could go after Muggles if needed to.

He walked back to the house, where the witch stood looking at him seductively.

"Okay then, Miss Stevenson, everything has been took care of. Now, about payment..." Harry said.

"Why don't you come inside then, Mr. Potter." Miss Stevenson said with a smile.

Harry followed her inside, about to reap another benefit to being a PI.

-

Over an hour later Harry stepped out the front door with a check in his hand. Turning around he said, "Thanks again for the sex, Mandy. I mean the check, thanks for the check. If you need anything else, just call me." He said.

He apparated back to his office.

-

As much as Harry liked his office, there wasn't much to do there anymore. It was in a building located in downtown London, with a spectacular view of the city. He had just finished sharpening all his pencils, and before that he was playing games on the computer before they got boring. Getting prepared to take a nap, he heard a knock at the door.

"Come in," he said politely.

"Harry, there is a man here to see you about a job for you," stated a bored looking, young secretary.

"Who?" Harry asked.

"How should I know? He said he was a friend of the phoenixes, whatever the hell that means, and he looks important," replied the secretary chomping on her gum.

"Oh send him in then, Cindy."

She rolled her eyes, and left the office.

A tall, muscular looking man in a black suit walked in. Harry stepped around the desk to shake his hand.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Harry Potter..." The man just looked around the office without acknowledging Harry. He raised a hand to his ear.

"All clear, Minister," was all he said. Harry looked on in confusion as he walked out the door and the Minister of Magic walked in. One of the few exceptions to Harry's hatred of politicians.

"Kingsley, old boy, how's it hanging?" was Harry's respectful greeting to the Minister.

"Great Harry,-"

"How 'bout a drink, Gin? Whiskey?"

"It's 9:30 in the morning!" Kingsley protested.

"So Gin then?" Harry asked confused.

"No, for God's sake, Harry! Fine, just pour me a little Whiskey." Kingsley said resigned.

Harry grinned and poured the Scotch into two glasses. "What can I help you with Minister? Not trying to recruit me into the ministry's fine ranks of Aurors again, are you?"

"No, no," Kingsley said quickly, "we have been down that road before, Harry, as I have said to your lovely secretary-"

Harry grinned again, Cindy did have quite a rude attitude, which is why Harry hired her.

"I am here because I have a case for you, an extremely high profile one."

Harry frowned. "High profile?"

"You heard about the attempt on the Prime Minister's life, did you not?" Kingsley asked.

Harry sighed. "It was a wizard?"

"That's just it, we have no idea who it was. It may have been a muggle or a wizard, we don't know," Kingsley said.

"So why aren't the muggles investigating this? Or for that matter the Aurors?" Harry asked perplexed.

"The muggles are investigating this. I don't believe any of the Aurors are capable of treating this case as 'delicately' as we need them to, considering it centers on the Prime Minister, the most high profile man in this country." Kingsley said.

"And you think I am capable?" Harry asked incredulously.

"Lord, I hope so."

"Great. So why exactly do they need someone with knowledge on the wizarding world to be in on this?" Harry asked.

"The Prime Minister insisted, he was quite shaken up when he spoke to me."

"Cool."

"Cool?! They weren't exactly gentle with the man. He was extremely upset when he contacted me after they left." Kingsley said.

"I thought you said it was an assassination attempt? It sounds like they roughed him up and left." Harry said confused.

"I never said it was. I asked you if you heard about the attempt. The media thinks it was, the authorities know it was not." Kingsley said.

Harry lit a cigarette. "So what exactly happened then?"

Kingsley coughed. "That is precisely what I need you to find out."

"How much?" Harry asked.

Kingsley was quiet a moment then replied, "10,000."

"Galleons?"

"Galleons."

"No."

"No?"

"I won't do it for anything less than 20." Harry stated calmly, taking a drag from his cigarette.

"20,000?!" Kingsley asked surprised.

"And I sure as shit ain't doing it discreetly like you would prefer for anything less than 30, true it is higher than the going rate, but we are talking high profile muggles here." Harry said.

Kingsley's eyes widened. "Harry."

"Relax, we're talking taxpayer money here right? I mean yeah your the best minister we've had in..." Harry paused and it appeared he was doing some high level mathematics in his head. "Oh fuck it, I don't know, ever? My knowledge of history of the wizarding world is pretty bad, but anyway, I know your a good minister, hook me up!." Harry said.

"No, you hook me up, I'm a friend right? An old member of the Order of the Phoenix." Harry rolled his eyes. Kingsley continued, "Seriously, wasn't I one of your favorite Aurors along with Tonks and Moody?"

"Right, yeah, because I knew so many Aurors, at the time," Harry said sarcastically. "Still no, 30, I've done plenty for the Citizens of Magical Great Britain before this."

"You were offered compensation for that!"

"Offered. I didn't take it, that was the one freebie. We aren't talking dark lords here. Are we?" Harry asked kind of scared

"Of course not!"

"Besides the ministry could never repay me for taking that fucker out. That's something you can never repay. Luckily for everyone I wanted to do it anyway." Harry said and then took another drink of Whiskey, filled up his cup again and took another, and then another. Kingsley looked at him putting back the shots, he finally drank the rest of his.

"Oh, go on then," Kingsley said handing his glass to Harry.

Harry poured another for both of them.

"25." Kingsley said.

"30."

"25, or I will get someone else to do it." Kingsley said with finality in his voice.

Harry smiled and put out his cigarette in the ashtray. He would have call him on that bluff. "Okay then. Get someone else," Harry said sounding positively delighted he didn't have to do it.

"Okay, I will then." Kingsley said standing up finishing his drink and setting the empty glass on the desk.

"Great seeing you again, Kingsley."

"You too, Harry," Kingsley said. "I'm going now."

"See you."

Kingsley left and shut the door behind him.

Harry smiled and started internally counting down. '6-5-4-3-2-.'

Kingsley burst into the office. "30,000."

"Really?"

"No, I just know your too goddamn curious now to not accept. 25."

Harry swore under his breath. "Fine. I'll agree to 25,000 galleons."

"Agreed."

They shook hands.

"So when can I talk to the Prime Minister?" Harry asked.

"We have an appointment with him at 2:00."

"You do realize I'm going to be half fucked up by then?" To illustrate this fact he took back another shot of Whiskey.

"I do now, and for future references I will remember to schedule future appointments with you as early as possible."

Harry smiled and set down his glass then walked around to the door, opening it for Kingsley.

"Thank You."

They both walked out of the office joining the Minister's bodyguard, before going down the hall to the lift.

"Meet me in my office at 2, Harry?" Kingsley said, it was more of a statement than a request.

"Of course, Minister." Harry replied politely.

Kingsley and the bodyguard stepped into the lift and before the doors closed Harry called out, "you do realize I never agreed to be on my best behavior for anything under 30, right?"

Kingsley's eyes widened and he looked as if he wanted to object to that.

"A deal is a deal though, I guess." Harry said.

Kingsley quickly said "I've changed my mind-" before he was cut off by the doors closing.

Harry smirked and walked back down the hallway whistling.

-

Harry walked seemingly aimlessly through the middle of downtown London wearing a very expensive suit, making him look like any other respectable young businessman in the city. He walked toward the phone booth that he knew was the visitor's entrance to the Ministry of Magic. The public restroom entrance was deemed unnecessary to use after Voldemort's regime in the Ministry was over and the floo and apparation points were back online.

Once he reached the phone booth he walked in and punched in the numbers 62442 into the telephone.

"Welcome to the Ministry of Magic, please state your name and business" the cool voice rang out.

Harry resisted the urge to say that he was Dark Lord Moldypants and told it, "Harry Potter, I have a meeting with the Minister."

"Thank you," the cool voice rang out.

A gold looking badge shot out that read:

**Harry Potter**

**Very Important Business**

As the phone booth began to sink into the ground, Harry pinned the badge to his suit. Visitor badges were usually silver, but because he was meeting the Minister, it was gold. Either that or they thought Harry was special and needed a different color, he wasn't sure. Harry thought he may have been going a bit overboard wearing the suit to the meeting, not only because it would seem out of place in the Ministry, but also it just wasn't his preferred attire. It wasn't every day you meet the Prime Minister, though. Besides, he knew it would piss off any purebloods that were around. If it brings more attention though, so be it. He got so much already, what difference did it really make?

"Here we go." Harry said to himself.

The phone booth came to a stop and he got out striding purposely on through the atrium. A new fountain featuring statues of the same size in a circle with all magical beings in Britain had been erected after the fall of Voldemort. It featured wizards, goblins, centaurs, elfs, hags, the whole nine yards. It was designed by Hermione, and she insisted all races be present and shown as equals. Harry thought the gesture toward equality was good and all, but he didn't think the goblins should be on it. He hated the bastards, nearly started a rebellion after stealing that cup from Lestrange's vault. Oh he wished he could have seen the look on Griphook's ugly little face when the sword of Gryffindor disappeared right under his nose.

Continuing on he stopped at the security guard blocking the way to the rest of the ministry. At this point everyone in the atrium recognized him, as well as security. "Go on through," he said.

Harry remembered the first time he visited the ministry after Voldemort's defeat. He had handed the guy the Elder Wand since he hadn't yet returned it to Dumbledore's tomb and set the scales off the charts and breaking every one of them. Since then, as Harry was a regular visitor of the ministry, they decided not to weigh his wand, even though he used his familiar Holly one since then.

He walked to the lifts and continued to level 1 where he knew the Minister's office to be. He walked to the receptionist's desk outside of the office and told her before she looked up from her work, "I'm here to see the minister."

"Look, I'm sure whatever you are here for is important, but the minister has an appointment with-" She trailed off as she looked up, "Harry Potter," she finished weakly.

"I am so sorry, Mr. Potter, I didn't realize..." she said horrified.

"Don't worry about it, Miss?" Harry said questioningly.

"Stuart, Bethany Stuart," she said blushing. She was cute, with dark hair tied in a ponytail and brown eyes behind oval shaped glasses.

"Beth, its okay, I'm sure you see many people who wish to speak with Kingsley. Please call me Harry, and if you want, I'll give you a chance to make it up to me after you get off work today."

"Okay then, Harry. Go right on in, the minister is expecting you." She motioned to the door.

"Right then, can I meet you at the Leaky Cauldron at 6?" he inquired.

Her eyes widened slightly, "Yes," she nearly whispered.

Harry smiled, happy to have a date for the night. He walked into the office and shut the door.

Kingsley looked up. "Harry, great." he merely said. He walked to the wall where a portrait hang. It was a toad like little man with fake looking silver hair. Harry thought the ugly looking little man must have been an ancestor of Dolores Umbridge. "Inform the other minister that we will be coming now."

The man in the portrait left his frame as Harry looked on attentively. The man was back in less than a minute.

"Clear." was all he said when he returned.

"Let's go then," he said to Harry walking to the fireplace.

"We're flooing?" Harry said incredulously.

"Like there is another way." Kingsley said dismissively.

Harry thought they must have protections preventing other magical travel to the building where they were going. "Fine, I just don't want to fall on my ass in front of the Prime Minister," he said thinking back on his first times flooing.

Kingsley stepped into the fireplace and looked at him strangely. He dropped the powder and then said, "Number 10, Downing Street."

Harry copied what he did, finding himself going not past other grates as usual, but past a plain brick wall on both sides. The two ministers fireplaces must have been connected on a secure network no one else could access. It spit him out on the other side, and he landed gracefully, to his relief.

Kingsley was already standing there, and on the other side of the desk was a man he had only seen in the news. He noticed he seemed a bit jumpy, probably due to the fact that two wizards just entered his office through the fireplace. Harry reached over the desk to shake his hand, "Harry Potter," Harry greeted.

"Nice meeting you, I'm Tony Blair," was all the minister said, looking warily at Harry. Then he glanced at Kingsley quickly and centered on Harry. Harry noticed Kingsley was still wearing his robes which sometimes makes muggles uneasy. His own uncle who usually is terrified of wizards was quite accepting of Kingsley himself while wearing he was wearing a suit on TV standing behind the previous Prime Minister as his bodyguard.

"Please, sit down, Mr Potter, Minister. Care for a drink?" The Prime Minister continued.

"A man after my own heart," Harry said approvingly. "Please, I will have a Scotch, Mr. Prime Minister."

Kingsley sat down and said, "Thank you Prime Minister, the same as Harry."

The Prime Minister poured 3 glasses and handed one each to Harry and Kingsley before throwing back his own at the same time as Harry. Kingsley merely sat there nursing his own. Harry noted the Prime Minister looked somewhat troubled.

"Shacklebolt tells me you are the best, Potter. You don't look like you are even old enough for law enforcement, how much experience do you have at this kind of thing?" the Prime Minister said.

"When I was seventeen, with clues, I figured out how to defeat the most evil, dark wizard this world has seen in the last century," Harry stated as calmly as if he were talking about the weather.

The Prime Minister's eyebrows rose. "That's quite a résumé."

"Yes."

A ringing sound, suddenly disturbed the silence of the office. Harry looked sheepish.

"Sorry, I always leave my emergency line on, one moment," he said pulling out a slim black cellular telephone. The Minister of Magic looked on confused, he obviously knew what cell phones were, but why Harry would have one, he did not know. The Prime Minister, however looked irritated, mumbling something that sounded like, "wasting my time."

"What's wrong," Harry answered.

After a lengthy pause, "What? Are you fucking kidding me? We'll talk about this later." he said.

You could here the voice on the other line say, "More important that this?!"

Harry hung up on the person.

"If its a bad time for you Mr. Potter-" the Prime Minister began rather snootily.

"No, no, it's just a friend of mine who defines the word 'emergency' rather different than you and I," Harry cut him off. Nobody spoke and the room stayed silent.

"Seems he is rather distressed that his Quidditch team may end up regulated down a league after this year," Harry continued when it seemed like no one else was going to speak.

The Prime Minister figured Quidditch must be some sort of sport, but neither cared nor had the patience to ask.

"Where were we?" Harry asked.

"I don't know." the minister said coldly.

Harry's eyes narrowed. He already did not like this man, and he decided to intimidate him a little.

"Listen, Tony. May I call you Tony? I don't give a shit if you think you are one of the most powerful men in the world. If you think your personal safety matters, than you should show a little more respect. I know your type. You hold yourself and your position higher than the actual people you are supposed to serve," Harry said quietly.

The Prime Minister stood up looking livid, but scared all the same. "As you are a wizard, I don't think you realize-"

Harry caught his eyes and seized on his thoughts with Legilimency. He found what he was looking for and retreated. The Prime Minister knees buckled from the unexpected mental attack. He looked up and for the second time in days, he actually feared for his life. He knew Harry could completely and utterly break him if he wanted to.

Kingsley had stood and taken a few steps back during all this. "Harry, do you really think that was necessary?" He said delicately, not wanting Harry to direct his anger at him.

Harry turned and looked at him, now looking calm and collected, which greatly relieved Kingsley.

"No, but it wasn't necessary for him to get rude either," Harry said looking at the Prime Minister.

Harry pointed his wand at the Prime Minister and Kingsley voiced his objection. The Prime Minister's eyes widened.

"_Obliviate_." Harry cast at the man.

"Lets go, Kingsley." he said grabbing a fistful of floo powder and flooing back to Kingsley's office.

Harry sat down in front of Kingsley's desk and waited for him to pop out a few moments later.

"What have you done, Harry?" he asked of him in horror.

"He has no recollection of what actually happened, only that he was nearly assassinated, no details. He knows that we came into his office trying to investigate before he got rude. He remembers his fear of me. He does not remember having his memories being taken from him."

Kingsley had a concerned frown on his face for Harry. After Voldemort's defeat, he had heard rumors of Harry often loosing his temper and acting rash, but mentally attacking and then placing a memory charm on the muggles leader?

"I know you think I went too far. I probably did, but you never paid me enough to be discreet, and frankly, I never wanted to be. You are the only politician I have ever liked or gotten along with. It wasn't that the rest were the only assholes, it was that you are the exception, Kingsley. Why should the Prime Minster be any different? This won't stop me from getting these bastards, however, I do take my job seriously," Harry said.

Kingsley sat down and helped himself to a whole bottle of Odgen's Firewhiskey, now that he was actually in the mood to drink. Harry was telling the truth. Tony Blair was a right stuck up bastard, and he deserved every bit of what he got. He was confident that Harry knew what he was doing. He also realized that Harry just paid him one of the highest compliments he could have gotten from him.

"You know what you are doing Harry, thats why I came to you."

Harry smiled, and opened the office door.

"I'll see you later, Kingsley."


	2. Misfiring Cannons

**Disclaimer: I take no responsibility if you decide to physically harm yourself while reading this, if it's bad. In fact, I will take not take the blame for any type of 'accident' you may sustain while reading this. I do not own Harry Potter, my house, or even my own life right now.I take no responsibility if you decide to physically harm yourself while reading it, if it's that bad. In fact I will take not take the blame for any type of 'accident' you may sustain while reading this. I do not own Harry Potter, my house, or even my own life right now.**

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Harry walked into the Hog's Head Bar in Hogsmeade. He changed out of his suit into some normal wizard robes before coming. Aberforth Dumbledore nodded to him from behind the bar, and he looked over to see a familiar redhead facing away from him at the bar. He strode over.

"Hey, good looking," he said smoothly.

"Harry, you son of a bitch!" Ron said before punching him on the shoulder.

Harry just looked at him with a grin,"What?"

"You hung up on me," Ron stated.

"Oh yes, well, meeting with the Prime Minister, I would've talked longer if I would have known it irritated him so much."

"Prime Minister?"

Like the smart-ass he was, he said, "You know, the Muggle's minister."

"I know who he is Harry," Ron said irritated, "I wondered why exactly you were meeting with him." Ron knew Harry hated most politicians.

Harry froze, and said, "Sorry Ron, I shouldn't discuss it."

Ron looked offended.

"No it isn't what you think. I have some things to go on first, then I will let you in the know. God knows, I shouldn't discuss anything in here of all places anyway."

Harry looked around and sure enough, nearly everyone in the bar was looking their way, he know they couldn't hear anything though, he had cast a sound muffling charm as soon as he came in.

Ron looked appeased for now. "So have you heard about the league's new rules?"

He looked absolutely depressed now. The only other time Harry had seen his friend look this way was in sixth year when he thought he wasn't good enough to make Gryffindor's house team. Only Quidditch could make him look this defeated.

"No, I've only been reading Muggle news lately. Evidently Manchester United's supporters-."

Ron cut him off, "Well never mind that, the league's commissioner announced a new league system today, next year they are going to regulate the 2 worst finishing teams this year into the next league under. They renamed the top league the Premier League, and there are two other leagues that have been integrated into what they call the Isle League System, Quidditch League 1 and 2, the top 2 spots in League 1 go to the Premiership, bottom 2 in the Premier go to League 1. The Cannons have finished dead last every season since for the last 2 decades, so next year I guess they won't be playing with the rest of the old 13."

Harry absorbed all this, "It sounds to me, that they've adopted the Muggle's football system for Quidditch."

Ron just sat there looking miserable.

"Ron, we can't let this happen."

Ron looked up hopefully, if Harry was on board, he knew it would never happen.

"How was their Seeker last year?" Harry asked.

"Terrible, can't find a snitch if it came up and bit him on the ass, literally come to think of it, happened last year in a match against Appleby. I think they're looking for a new one," Ron said sourly.

"What about their Keeper?"

"Dragon dung, I think I could play better than him," Ron said.

Harry got a smile on his face and then Ron knew exactly what he was thinking.

"You actually think I can make the team, I mean, the Cannons aren't exactly known for the best players, but we are talking professional Quidditch here," Ron said.

Harry thought that was a good point, he hadn't played a real game since his sixth year at Hogwarts. Plus, Quidditch had gotten extremely popular again since Voldemort's defeat, which is why new leagues were being set up. Still no, he had a plan and was confident it would work.

Harry frowned though, he noticed Ron had said I, not we. "I also know that I can easily make it, if that's what you were planning on implying." Ron just looked at Harry oddly. Evidently not. Ron just already had no doubts about him making the cut. Satisfied, Harry smiled encouragingly.

"Can you really think of a reason we shouldn't try out?" Harry asked. Ron shook his head.

"Find out the date of the try outs and let me know." Harry said.

"You staying here for awhile?" Ron asked.

"Well I guess I can stay for a beer, but then I've got to run."

"Hot date?" Ron asked

"Yes, actually, the Minister's receptionist."

Ron nodded but didn't look too happy. Harry knew he wasn't happy with the way he and Ginny decided to take a break from their relationship shortly after it got started again after Voldemort's defeat. Really though, it wasn't like Harry was starting another long term relationship with someone else, just a little one night stand here and there, it never hurt anyone. Besides, it was Ginny that decided she needed a break from Harry. On the other hand though, he knew she hasn't been seeing anyone else since then.

Feeling a little guilty, but not too much, he quickly downed his beer without being too rude to his friend and got the hell out of there as soon as he could.

-

Harry apparated into an alley in London, walking the short distance to the Leaky Cauldron. He checked his watch stepping through the door, 5:59 right on time.

Taking a few steps into the bar, he spotted the pretty dark haired girl sitting at a table, walking up he greeted, "Hello, Beth, you look great."

Looking up, he noticed that she appeared to think he wasn't going to show. She was wearing a little black dress, but still had her cute glasses on from the office.

"Harry! You- you look good too," she stammered out bashfully.

Gotta love the fan girls.

"Relax, let me order us some drinks."

Switching to liquor after drinking beer was never a very good idea, but Harry knew exactly what he was doing when he started ordering up mixed Vodkas. After drinking several 'liquid leg-openers' and having a few laughs, they both left the bar together.

-

Waking up, Harry took note of the girl laying with him in his bed. Harry slipped out of bed and walked to the kitchen in his apartment having a craving for bacon and eggs. After about 20 minutes Beth woke up to join him for breakfast in only a thong and a bra. After breakfast they both had another trip to Harry's bed, and had about 2 hours worth of sober sex, during which Harry decided to try out a new trick called 'the Houdini'. She left soon afterwards.

Just as well, Harry thought, a busy day lie in store from him, he had to solve the mystery of the Minister's 'Assassination Attempt', and then meet Hermione for lunch. Not the same kind of lunch as Harry's breakfast though. Hermione and Ron had been together since the Battle of Hogwarts. After that he figured he should meet with Kingsley and discuss the case, and also try to avoid Beth for a while.

He just remembered she was Kingsley's receptionist.

"Fucking shit."

-

After reviewing Blair's memories of the incident, Harry was unsure of what to think. Three guys, all of them using no magic, but yet asking the Prime Minister of Britain about the Magical World. It just didn't make any sense. One of them was an American for sure. The accent was unmistakable. He had acted like he was British, even talking like one, but his accent was there, he knew it, and it was something Blair hadn't even picked up on. Harry wouldn't have even known if he hadn't taken the memory.

He had a visual of the faces in the memory though. Grabbing his camera he dived into the memories which were currently residing in Albus Dumbledore's old pensieve on Harry's desk at the office. Professor McGonagall let him have it telling him, "I don't need it, Potter, my memories are organized fine without needing to dump them someplace."

Watching as they harassed the Minister he carefully took a few shots of each of them before leaving the memory and bottling it. He uploaded the pictures to his computer and printed them out. Picking out the best pictures of the three men he scooped them up and walked out to his car.

-

"Okay, got them scanned, uploading them to see if there is a match," said a man to Harry. Mike Gadelis was Harry's man at the Police Department. He was early-30s, a little chubby, and had a slightly annoying manner. Harry didn't mind him, he could find out almost anything related to a criminal, if the police had a record.

The computer Mike was sitting at began to cycle through thousands of pictures attempting to match the first one. Harry stood behind him and watched.

"Match," Mike said, and sure enough the two pictures, one a mugshot, the other from Blair's memory, was definitely the same man.

"Print it, Mike."

"Here you go, I'll check the others."

Harry looked at the paper, he found that Jeremy Dukes, a scrawny, goofy looking man from Liverpool, was arrested for Driving Under the Influence. Nothing special there, except that he knew he was definitely a Muggle. Not only because he was driving, but the fact that he was arrested by Muggle police.

The next one was matched, Paul Williams, who evidently became rather violent while resisting arrest for robbery in London. Great, two Muggle, one that likes to drive drunk, hardly something worth noting, and a petty thief that doesn't like cops. Why would they interrogate the Prime Minister about wizards, then?

"No match for this last one Harry," Mike's voice interrupted his thoughts. For a moment, Harry figured the the bastard may be a wizard, but then he remembered he was the one that sounded American.

"Does this only track British criminals, Mike?"

"It only tracks crimes made in this country, if a visitor did something here, it would show up."

"I am almost positive he's an American," Harry said.

"Wait one, I know someone across the pond that owes me a favor, he might be able to find him," Mike stated gruffly.

Harry was happy with that, he would have been pissed if he would have had to travel to the United States just to identify this bastard.

"You might want to go burn one though, Harry, this could be a few minutes, international and all," Mike said.

"Thanks, Mikey."

Harry walked outside and grabbed his cigarettes, lighting one up, he thought about this guy. Hopefully, these three idiots were working alone, and he could just send the Aurors after them once he questioned the most dangerous of the bastards. He didn't want to deal with this anymore than necessary. If the other fucker couldn't be identified, so be it, he could always track down and interrogate the other two to find him. He had tracked down murderers and rapists before, Prime Minister or not, this wasn't shit, and he wanted it done today. He flicked his cigarette away and walked back in.

Mike looked up and held the phone away from himself, holding his other hand over the microphone end.

"Got your man Harry, Timothy Powers, wanted for grand theft auto, battery, mob activity, attempted murder, and he's also a murder suspect in Chicago. He's from St. Louis. The guys on the other end wanted to know if you think he's here now."

"He was for sure a week ago, not sure now, but if I had to bet, I would say he is still," Harry said.

Mike finished the conversation and hung up the phone.

"They are going to keep their eyes open for him, Harry. Anything we can do for you?" asked Mike.

"Obviously keep him in the country, don't let him leave. Keep an eye out for him at the airports, he had to have a false passport just to get here. Don't let him slip way to the mainland, either. Contact me immediately if you get him."

"Will do, Harry."

So Powers was the dangerous one, and from America, no leads on him though. He'd have to ask the other two.

-

After 4 hours of looking and asking his contacts about Paul Williams and Jeremy Dukes, he had nothing. Predictably, nobody had heard of Powers, either.

Cursing at his dead-end in the case, Harry apparated to his office to inform Cindy he was going to lunch.

Harry met Hermione at the visitor's entrance to the Ministry and they walked a couple blocks to a nice little restaurant.

"So did you solve that case already this morning like you were saying?" Hermione asked.

"Truthfully, no and I haven't the foggiest idea what these fuckers are up to either." Harry said.

"No idea at all? Sometimes I wonder if you are in the right business, Harry."

"I haven't had a case yet that I haven't been able to solve," Harry said indignantly. "Besides, I know who they are now, I know the dangerous one is here from abroad, and I also have a gut feeling he's about to be getting the hell out of here, and the police are going to get him for me when he does. No more I can do today, I'm playing Quidditch later."

"Yes, Quidditch, Ron won't shut up about it. I seriously don't think you guys can do Quidditch full time while having other jobs, one is going to interfere with the other."

"Well I know that I am only doing it as a thing on the side, mostly as a favor to my friend, and besides, not even a good job at the Ministry could stop Ron from pursuing his dream." Harry said.

Hermione privately agreed. "Well, you know him, and when as he ever treated Quidditch like the world didn't depend on it?" she said.

"It's good for him, everyone needs a good healthy obsession." Harry said.

This momentarily kept Hermione quiet, but mainly because she knew that no matter what she said Harry would have a comeback for it.

"Have you been over to Andromeda's lately?" Hermione asked.

Harry got a goofy smile on his face thinking of his godson, Teddy. It was quickly replaced with a frown however, because he had not in fact, been over lately.

"No, and Lord is he getting big. His birthday is coming up huh? I'll have to give him a broomstick or maybe a snitch," he said.

"You mean a toy broomstick, right?" Hermione asked.

"No," Harry said simply, "I actually came into ownership of an old Comet thats in perfect condition, I think he'll love it."

"Harry!"

"What, he's too young for a Firebolt or anything that fast, he's only going to be two for Christ's sake, Hermione," Harry lectured. Hermione was caught off guard at how quickly he turned that around on her.

"But, ugh-" She growled at him and thought about slapping him. "That is not what I meant and you know it."

Harry loved to rile Hermione up. Hermione had gotten a job with the Ministry in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, where she was taking S.P.E.W. to new and scary places. Not before returning to Hogwarts to graduate last year, to obtain her NEWTs, though. She insisted on Harry and Ron finishing their education as well, which they did, but not as she intended them to. They went to the Auror academy instead. Ron, of course, thought Harry was crazy when he resigned on the spot after graduation, and he continued to work for the Ministry.

They continued to argue over the age limits on broomsticks, Harry embarrassing Hermione a couple of times with innuendo, before she made him promise not to give Teddy a real one. Harry had his fingers crossed behind his back though, so it was okay.

"Have you talked to Ginny lately?" she said, changing the topic to something that would make him uncomfortable.

"No, I think I made myself clear last time. I'm not talking to her unless she just wants to have sex. Even then she doesn't need to talk."

Hermione looked like she wanted to slap him. "You know she still loves you, she just wanted to give you some space after things got weird."

"She did, and I like my space. Realized she took up too much of it, you see."

Harry had a thought and continued. "I can't honestly see us staying apart though."

Hermione looked up surprised. "Out of all the girls I've been with lately, she is still the best fuck I've ever had," he said.

This time she did slap him.

--


	3. Waking Up in a Nightmare

**Disclaimer: I really don't know what part of my mind this shit is coming from, but I really do fear for myself a little after writing the last part of this chapter. I couldn't stop myself. I don't own Harry Potter, so please don't sue me. Just having some fun. Don't drink like Harry does in this chapter, or you may find yourself suffering a similar fate. I know that I have came close, at least a couple of times, anyway.**

* * *

Harry and Ron apparated to the Chudley Cannons practice facility for the first day of tryouts. The Cannons stadium and the practice facility were both unplottable and sitting right in the heart of the Town of Chudley, located not far from Ron's hometown, Ottery St. Catchpole. The two facilities, located near each other were unplottable mainly to avoid the Muggles, but also any non-supporters wishing to intrude. As Harry and Ron both supported the Cannons, they both knew the address for the stadium was 777 Main Street, and that the practice facility was at 13 Cannonball Drive. They both had on plain black Quidditch Robes, Harry had his Firebolt slung over his shoulder, while Ron had his Cleansweep 11 over his.

"Ready to crash the party?" Harry asked Ron.

"Let's do it," Ron said with certainty. Harry was actually relieved Ron's nerves weren't back from sixth year. They had seen a lot of shit since then, though. Ron, it seemed, knew that he was better than anyone else the Cannons could find. Harry was just glad he didn't have to try the Felix Felicis trick again, he had a feeling it wouldn't work a second time.

They walked onto the practice pitch unnoticed and began stretching and warming up. There was about 15 other people flying around the pitch also warming up. A few people were on the ground holding clipboards, near the single set of bleachers on the ground. One of them walked over to Harry and Ron.

"Trying out? Names and positions," he said.

"Harry Potter, Seeker." The man paused while writing down the name. He evidently didn't notice who Harry was at first. Harry got that a lot. Looking up at them, he noticed Ron.

"And, you'll be Ron Weasley, huh. What position?"

"Keeper," Ron said, looking delighted he was recognized.

"Right. Don't bother getting on your brooms yet, I'm about to call everyone down, you can take a seat over there," he said, motioning to the bleachers.

After everyone else landed and taken seats with Harry and Ron, the man began a speech.

"Thanks a lot for coming. I'm Lou Smith, the Cannons manager this year. Good turnout, there are 18 of you. We have just 2 seekers trying out, we'll try to get that out of the way today if we can. 6 Keepers, And 5 people each for Beaters and Chasers. Good, good. This is our Chaser coordinator, Greg Smart, and our Beater coordinator, John Zimmerman. I was a Keeper back in my day, so I can help out coaching that, but it doesn't seem like we have anyone to help our prospective Seeker.

"I fully intend to not become the league's laughing stock this year. I want the cup, simple as that. I have requested and had approved a change of our team motto."

Ron frowned at that. Smith continued, "Lets cross our fingers and hope for the best? To hell with that. It's been changed back to the original Cannons motto."

"And this year we shall!" That came from Ron. Smith looked at him approvingly.

"Thats right, We Shall Conquer!" Smith bellowed out. Everyone looked extremely fired up after that.

"Lets get started, Chasers follow Smart, Beaters follow Zimmerman. Keepers stay where you are, I want a word with the seekers before I get started with you."

Harry and a small blond haired girl got up and followed Smith to the edge of the field. The blond looked at Harry shyly.

"Okay Potter, Brown, this is how we are going to do it, I'm releasing the snitch, whichever one of you catches it the most today gets the spot. Understand?" They both nodded and Smith released the Snitch.

Harry kicked off the ground and within five minutes caught the Snitch the first time. After the second time about ten minutes later, Smith called him down.

"That's a little bit ridiculous, this Snitch might be defective," he said.

"Great catches, still," he added hastily to Harry.

The girl, Brown, landed next to Harry looking frustrated. Harry knew that there wasn't anything wrong with the snitch, she just hadn't seen it at all.

"Releasing a new one." Smith called out.

At this point, Brown began tailing Harry closely waiting for him to spot it and then try to outrun him. She must have never seen Harry play, any opposing seeker from Hogwarts would tell you thats about the last thing you should do. Firstly, Harry could outrun anyone with the Firebolt and secondly he could do the Wronski Feint about as good as Victor Krum.

Harry didn't feint though, within 10 minutes he had the Snitch a third time. In desperation, Brown began playing dirtier and dirtier, swooping in front of Harry, while he sped up and just generally being a pain in the ass as much as she could. Lightness was paying off for her though, she almost maneuvered to catch one before Harry streaked by snatching it before she could get her hand on it.

She kept annoying Harry with her flying, cutting him off while tailing him was her strategy. He looked towards the ground ready to feint, when he realized he didn't have to, the snitch was floating near the ground. He jumped into an accelerated free-fall dive faster than he had ever done before, just for the hell of it. He knew he had all but secured the starting spot, but figured a shutout on this annoying bitch was worth it. He reached out and snagged the snitch, just before hearing a scream and a crunch behind him as he leveled out near the ground.

"Everybody stop!" Smith's voice boomed across the pitch. A medical team was sorting out Brown while everyone else landed and sat down. Smith cut Harry off before he reached the bleachers, he did not look happy.

"Potter! Feinting during practice? You could have killed her!" he said quietly.

"I wasn't feinting." And with that held out the snitch in his hand, annoyed. Smith didn't say anything but looked like he wanted to smile.

Taking the snitch, he said,"Good work Potter, have a seat. How many times did you catch that damn thing anyway?"

"I lost count."

Harry took a seat with the others. "Alright on that note, we have to call it a day. We now have a Seeker, Harry Potter," Smith said, and everyone looked at Harry with approval. "We are cutting 4 keepers today, so keepers hang back. After tomorrow we should know the right combination of Beaters and Chasers, so by Wednesday we should have our team. See you all tomorrow here at 3pm," Smith concluded.

Harry walked to the locker room, showered and changed into some Muggle clothes. Ron came in with a fallen look on his face. Harry just looked at him.

"You don't honestly expect me to think you were cut, do you?" Harry said.

Ron's face split into a grin,"Just wanted to fuck with you," he said.

"Bar?" asked Harry.

"Bar," Ron agreed.

-

"Well, I knew Walker was the only one that came close to saving as many as me, and he definitely got lucky a few times," Ron's said, taking a drink of beer.

"I bet they want to keep him around to make sure you don't get too cocky," Harry said, with a beer mug in his hand

"You think he wanted to keep the other seeker around for your head, too?"

"Nah, he made it pretty clear he wanted to be done with the seekers today, and honestly, I didn't really want her to get hurt, but I bet she doesn't follow anyone quite like that again," Harry said.

"Right, well, I didn't get a good look at the Beaters, but the Chasers that showed up don't look half bad. Two of them were really excellent actually, Orton and Davis, and that black kid, I don't remember his name, thats our chasers right there probably."

"Well I didn't see the Beaters either, if they suck you think we could get George to come out of retirement and come on as a reserve?" Harry asked hopefully.

Ron just shook his head with a rueful smile. Harry instantly felt bad for bringing it up. The Weasleys had took Fred's death very hard, which was to be expected. Harry had never seen anything as sad as his funeral. It was even worse than the Lupin's. Fred and George were never seen without the other nearby. They were a team, not only with Quidditch, but everything.

Obviously George had taken the death of his brother worse than everybody else, he just seemed like a hollow shell for a while. Ron to be filling in for Fred though, re-opening the WWW shop with George, and helping out as much as he could while he was at the academy, and even when he got off work after becoming an Auror. George and Ron became closer as brothers than ever before, and Harry wondered what would happen if Ron made the Quidditch team and had even less time to spend there. He knew Percy, of all people, was still helping George invent new items. Percy still felt guilty of the estranged relationship with the rest of his family before the Hogwarts Battle, and wanted to help out as much as possible.

Imagine, Percy and a more serious George, making prank and joke items together. Who would have thought? Harry knew the only thing keeping them going was Fred's memory, though.

Realizing Ron and him were both lost in thought, he decided to break the silence.

"I'll get a look at them tomorrow, and if the Cannons need some recruiting, we'll decide," Harry said, letting his somber thoughts drift away.

Harry looked around the place, it was a Muggle bar, and it was a weeknight, so a little slower than usual. Harry sighed, not wanting to break his streak of a different girl every night. After awhile, Ron caught on to Harry's plans and announced he was going home.

"Later, man," Harry called out.

Harry looked over at a group of three women and realized it must have been piggies night out. Ahem, ladies night out, he corrected himself. A brunette in the group didn't look too bad, he thought, but her two blond friends looked like they were almost wider than they were tall. The brunette was maybe slightly chubby, a little short, but had some humongous jugs just waiting to be unleashed. Realizing what he had to do, he ordered several whiskeys knowing he need more alcohol flowing in his veins to nail this girl. Sometimes pussy is just pussy.

-

Waking up, Harry looked over and saw one of the enormous fat blonds from last night at the bar in his bed with him.

'Oh my god, what have I done,' he thought, wondering if he was going to have to memory charm himself again.

Feeling yet another body laying next to him, he look over to see the other fat blond. Oh no, he thought with disgust, the worst threesome ever. Now tasting the bile in his throat, he had to extract himself from this terrible predicament, as quickly as possible.

"Wake up!" he yelled.

"Whats going on?" one of them asked.

"I just slept with two beached whales, thats what! Get out of my bed!" That was even meaner than he thought it was going to sound. They both got out of the bed, one nearly smashing him. They were completely naked and had evidently played with chocolate syrup and other kinds of food the night before. Harry felt sticky and soiled. He noted that they were identical, fat, twins, before throwing up all over his bed, a combination of being hungover, and waking up with a combined total of 650lbs of fat chicks. They quickly got dressed and left, for which Harry was thankful.

He took a long shower, nearly scrubbing off his skin, before writing a note to himself.

Dear Drunk Harry,

I know that sometimes you get a little carried away and you must know it makes for an awkward morning, sometimes, but usually it's all in good fun. Sometimes I just feel like shit afterwards. That's cool, too.

On the other hand, last night you crossed a line, buddy. Props for the threesome with twins, I'm sure that was the part that lured you most, but that bed has a weight limit, mister. I am contemplating memory charming myself, and its all your fault. If it happens again your going away, no more of you. And from this point on, absolutely no more whiskey after beer either, I know my hangovers, sir, and this is one of those kind.

I hope that I have made my point, no more beer before liquor and no more fat chicks. 150 pounds, tops!

Sincerely,

Sober Harry

Harry then turned his wand on himself, "_Obliviate_."

He looked down at the note, read some of it, then chuckled and hung it on the fridge with an alphabet letter magnet. He didn't want to know what Drunk Harry did this time. He then walked into his bedroom and nearly tripped on something. He looked down to see what it was, realizing with horror it was the largest pair of panties he had ever seen in his life.

--


	4. Worst Morning Ever

**Disclaimer: Don't get drunk with Ginny Weasley, _don't ever_. I don't own Harry Potter, I am borrowing some characters for awhile, I will try to return them all in one piece. Oh, and always wear clean underwear when reading my fanfiction, cause you never know when paramedics may have to cut your pants off.**

* * *

Harry sat in his office sharpening his pencils once again. Looking at them, he frowned, by now they all should have been sharpened to the eraser. Instead, they all looked longer than ever. Shaking his head at the anomaly, he put them away.

Cindy knocked then opened the door. "The St. Louis Rams are here to see you, Harry."

"What?"

"The St. Louis Rams are here to see you," she repeated.

Harry was perplexed, of all the teams in sports, why would a professional American Football team be here?

"Send them in, then," he said resigned.

Soon his office was crowded with massive football players, and it looked like they were ready to play a game, all of them were decked out in pads and blue and gold uniforms with their helmets in their hands. Harry noticed the coaches were there too, just wearing simple Rams shirts with Rams ball caps on their heads.

"Yes?" Harry said.

"Well, sir we just wanted to say hi, since you are our new owner," one of the players said.

"Owner?" Harry asked.

"Yes, well you won the team in a card game last night," another one of the players said.

Harry inwardly cursed. What else had Drunk Harry done last night? And of all the American Football teams out there, why the fucking Rams? He didn't even like them.

"Okay then, just keep using Kurt Warner as your Quarterback." That ought to teach the bastards.

"Aye, aye, sir!" they all said before leaving the office.

Harry shook his head, how did stuff like this keep happening to him. He was about to have a drink, when he realized that alcohol was what got him in to this. Settling for just a cigarette, he sighed and took a drag.

Maybe it was time for an early lunch, he thought. By lunch, he meant not coming back to the office for the day.

-

Harry streaked around the pitch searching for that elusive Snitch. It seemed a lot easier when he had someone to compete against. Looking down he noted that Ron looked spectacular, he was catching every Quaffle that came his way. Sensing something above him, he looked up to see one of the Beaters hovering near him. Harry noticed it was the same one that had been looking out for him earlier, beating away the Bludgers before they got near Harry. He looked familiar.

"Hey, how's it going?" Harry called out to him.

"Pretty good, Harry, but shouldn't you be looking for the Snitch?" the beater said.

"I suspect Smith is having me on, I would have got it by now if had actually released it," Harry said.

"Your're right, I watched him take the balls out, he never released it. I see you're as good of a Quidditch player as my brother said."

"Your brother?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, Oliver Wood. Ollie played with you on the Gryffindor House Team. I'm Ryan Wood, by the way," Ryan said.

"Oh, I had no idea Oliver had a brother, how's he doing lately?"

"I'm older than him, graduated before you ever got to Hogwarts. I was in Charlie Weasley's year, played with him on the Gryffindor team, his brothers, the twins became the Beaters after I left. Ollie is doing good, still with Puddlemere United, he reckons its their year, this year. Then again, when doesn't he?" Ryan said.

"Well, hopefully we have another Weasley as our keeper, Ron-"

"POTTER, WOOD, LESS TALK, MORE ACTION!" came a magically amplified voice from down below them.

They both sped off, Wood sending a Bludger hurdling through the air, and Harry continued to pretend he was looking for the snitch. About 15 minutes later, Smith released the snitch and gave something for Harry to do.

After an hour they were all called down.

"Okay, we have made our decisions. Potter will be our Seeker, obviously. Beaters: Mark Hardin and Ryan Wood."

Everyone applauded, and Harry was glad Ryan made the team.

"Chasers: Rex Orton, Brandon Davis, and Devin Forte." More applause, but Harry noticed one of the Chasers who didn't make it got angry and started throwing a fit.

"Finally our Keeper will be Ron Weasley," Smith continued, ignoring the angry Chaser's outburst. Harry let out a whoop of success.

"Michaels, knock it off, you weren't the better player, plus you obviously have some temperament issues," Smith said to the disgruntled player.

"They are all men! You don't want me cause I'm a girl!" the chaser said accusingly.

"No we don't want you because you suck. I'm having doubts of even keeping you on as a reserve now. Go to the Holyhead Harpies, they only accept women players, you probably think thats fair, don't you? Or did they already turn you down?" Smith said coldly.

Michaels stomped off, muttering.

"Where was I? Oh and our Captain will be Wood. Wood will be running the fitness training side of things, at our discretion," Smith continued.

Less applause this time, as most of the cut players had left. Harry sincerely hoped Ryan was not like his brother as far as training goes. Oliver was a nightmare in Harry's second and third years.

"That's it, tryouts are over, be here tomorrow at the same time for training," Smith said.

Harry and Ron walked back to the locker room.

"Good job, Ron, want to hit up the bar to celebrate?" Harry said.

"Can't Harry, Hermione and I are going to the Burrow for dinner tonight. Want to come?"

Harry smiled, he was always welcome at the Burrow for dinner. "Why not? Is Andromeda going to be there with Teddy?"

"Yep. Little guy just loves it there," Ron said. Harry knew the feeling, the Burrow is his second most favorite place in the world.

-

Harry and Ron walked past the garden of the Burrow to the back door. Looking in he saw a full house.

"Harry! I didn't know you were coming, let me set a place for you," Molly Weasley said while hugging Harry.

"Harry, long time no see, hows the life of a Private 'I' going for you?" George Weasley said enthusiastically while shaking Harry's hand.

"Slow," Hary said. Looking around he saw Angelina, George's girlfriend sitting at the table. Next to her was Ginny who had looked up at Harry, but didn't acknowledge him. Arthur was sitting at the head of the table, at the other end was Bill and and a pregnant Fleur. Percy and his new girlfriend were helping Molly set the table. Charlie was there, across from Angelina, and Andromeda was sitting across from Ginny, holding Teddy in her lap, his hair was Weasley red.

Everyone greeted Harry, and he went over to play with Teddy. Reaching in his Quidditch bag, he pulled out a Golden Snitch which he gave to Teddy. Teddy looked at it in wonder and let it go. It hovered in front of him for a second and then he reached out to grab it but missed. It flew around the table before Harry caught it and gave it to Teddy again.

"His reflexes must not be totally developed yet," he commented.

"Well duh, Harry, he's not even 2 years old yet," Hermione said walking in from the other room.

Teddy let go of it again, and quickly snatched it up as it flew around his head. Everyone looked at him in awe and he smiled and did it again, his hair changed to jet-black, like Harry's.

"Seeker for sure, Harry," George said smiling. "I've been trying to get him to hold a Beater's bat, never works, now I know why."

They all laughed and sat down to eat.

"So, Harry, did you hear? I've been accepted as Seeker by the Holyhead Harpies," Ginny said, finally saying something to Harry. "Any advice for me?"

"Yeah, always wear clean underwear. You never know when the healers might have to cut your robes off," Harry said with a smile. Ron let out a snort, and everyone laughed. Although, Molly and Hermione looked like they weren't sure if it was proper dinner conversation.

"Anyway, we are playing our first game against the Cannons, who we will smash," she said confidently, looking at Ron, "Want to come watch me?"

Harry looked like the cat that ate the canary. "You don't have an up to date scouting report on the Cannons do you?"

Angelina, a chaser for the Harpies answered, "The Cannons always suck, Harry. We know you are a fan, but really, that doesn't mean they are going to win."

Harry looked at Ron, "They really don't know, do they?" He said.

"This year, I decided not to be just a fan. The newest players just happen to be Ron and I," Harry said.

That shut Angelina up, and Ginny paled so much, Harry hoped and suspected she might feint.

"Congratulations, boys," Arthur said. Charlie stood up, and raised his drink, "To the Cannons, and their road to victory!" Everybody toasted them and Ginny and Angelina looked rather put out. Even Teddy's hair had turned orange. Bill and Fleur both looked at each other and said at the same time, "Victorie?"

As the meal went on Harry drank more and more alcoholic beverages, before Molly asked him if he wanted to stay the night, since he was in no condition to apparate.

"Really, dear, its no trouble, you can stay in Ron's old room." Harry agreed.

After everyone had finished eating, everybody stayed to visit for a while longer, before Bill announced that Fleur and him had to go. Ron and Hermione decided to stay the night in Fred and George's old room. George and Angelina both left, Andromeda left with Teddy, to Harry's disappointment. Charlie was staying in his old room for the night, and went upstairs to bed.

Ron and Hermione started to look kind of frisky and went upstairs for the night too, to Harry's disgust. Molly and Arthur went up to bed after doing the dishes together, leaving just Harry and Ginny.

Harry was uncomfortable with the situation, but then Ginny challenged him to a drinking contest, which he happily accepted. They stayed up for a while, Harry's mind forgetting about how he didn't want to rekindle his relationship with her, and they soon were nearly fucking in the kitchen of the Burrow. Ginny invited him to her room, where they both put up a silencing charm for the night.

-

The next morning Harry woke up, extremely hungover, but to a wonderful sensation under the covers. Ginny was bobbing her head up and down and Harry was in bliss. She stopped, to Harry's disappointment.

"Awake now, Harry?" she said somewhat maliciously. It was then that Harry noted he was tied to the bed. He started struggling against the ropes holding him down. His wand was sitting on the bedside table if only he could reach it.

"Ah, ah Harry, it's my turn for fun now," she said sickly sweet.

Harry was still half-fucked up drunk from the night before, and this hindered any wandless magic ability. "Oh boy," he commented, silently cursing alcohol yet again.

Ginny was now searching for something in a bag, and with a triumphant noise pulled out a 12 inch rubber cock strap-on. "Oh, no," Harry said, struggling to free himself even more.

"Oh yes," Ginny said straping it on her naked body. She repositioned him in the ropes with her wand.

"You really pounded me hard last night Harry, I don't think I am going to shit right for the next month. It's only right that I return the favor," she said.

"Yes, well, If you Weasleys didn't pop out so many babies, maybe I would risk putting it in the proper place," he said, scared.

"Well let's see if you like how it feels, Harry."

-

A loud girlish scream coming from Ginny's room alerted all of the occupants of the Burrow that Ginny and Harry were awake. They were all sitting down eating breakfast when they heard it. It seems the silencing charm from the night before had worn off. All of them jumped up and started to go up there, until Harry ran down the stairs in his birthday suit. Naked and armed with his wand, as well as walking kind of funny, they realized it must have been his scream, not Ginny's.

Harry had finally broken free from his own personal hell, he just wished his wandless magic would have arose to the occasion _before_ she had impaled him on that that thing.

He announced to all of them, while standing halfway down the stairs, "SHE RAPED ME!"

Ron asked Charlie, "Is it possible to rape the willing?"

"I WAS NOT WILLING, SHE RAPED ME, with her thing." Harry had finished in a near whisper.

"Her thing? Unless Ginny has a big secret, I don't think she has a thing," Charlie said looking amused.

Ginny started walking down the stairs toward him, half naked. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Harry yelled quickly, backing further down the stairs.

"Harry, honey, I was just having a little fun," she said inching towards him.

"No!" He cried out, pointing his wand at her. He could see he was cornered naked, like a trapped animal and quickly apparated away to the first place he could think of.

--


	5. Big Gay Quidditch Match

**Disclaimer: Never apparate or use any other form of teleporting while nude. Also, never drink any kind of rainbow colored potion, as results may vary. I don't own Harry Potter, and I'm glad I don't, who actually wants to be a billionaire? I know I don't, I hate money.**

* * *

Harry had apparated to his office. He looked around, "Fuck." Why did he apparate to a place with no clothes to speak of? Even worse, he didn't feel he could manage another apparation without splinching himself. That would make headlines: Half of Harry Potter, splinched and naked in Diagon Alley.

His poorly cast self memory charm from they day before had worn off. He was in disbelief he was having a worse morning, yet. He had actually found something worse than waking up with combined, nearly a half a ton of the fattest, ugliest women he had ever seen in his life. He had woken up with Ginny Weasley.

Walking out of his office, still naked as the day he was born, he went into the reception area, acting like he wasn't shy at all. He noted that besides Cindy, there was a blond woman waiting in the room.

"Sorry, I'm late today," he said looking towards the other woman. She let out an yelp when she saw him. This got Cindy's attention and she looked up with a predictable reaction. First she seemed shocked, and then she sized him up with a hungry look on her face.

"Cindy, If you could fetch me some clothes that would be great. Who's this?" Harry said motioning toward the woman.

"Astoria Greengrass," was Cindy's reply, if she found it odd at this point that Harry was naked and requesting clothes, she didn't show it.

"Greengrass? Are you by chance related to Daphne?" Harry asked directing his attention back to the other women.

"She's my sister," she said shyly.

"Ah, I remember you, Slytherin, couple of years under me. Come on in, Miss Greengrass."

Astoria hesitated though. Harry tried to calm her. "Really now, I'm the one whose naked, no need for you to be embarrassed," he said warmly.

Cindy left and Harry managed to get Astoria into his office with him.

"How can I help you Miss Greengrass?" he asked.

"I need you to investigate my fiancé before we are to be married. He has a slightly dark past, and I want to make sure he has given up the undesirable things he did before," she said uncomfortable.

"Really, what kind of things did he do?"

"He was branded a Death Eater for one, but he changed sides at the end," she said.

Harry knew that the list of Death Eaters that changed sides was a very short list. Asking a question he already knew the answer to, he said,"What is your fiancé's name?"

"Draco Malfoy."

This was rich, Harry thought, investigate Malfoy? And, she had picked him to do it. Astoria was quite attractive too, with blond hair, blue eyes, and a slim little body. He was thinking of getting a hooker to forget about how dirty and violated he felt after being with Ginny. Malfoy's future wife was even better though, well maybe not too much above a common hooker, but still.

"Care for a drink, Miss Greengrass?" he asked turning his charm up to full blast, while getting out the proper bottles to make his 'Liquid leg-opener' special, or in other words, Vodka.

-

Cindy had returned from getting Harry clothes and opened up the door to his office, walking in on him and Astoria, on his desk. It seemed Harry was no longer the only one naked , as he paused only to look around at Cindy.

"Thanks Cindy, just set them on the chair there, I don't really need them at the moment," Harry said as if he weren't having sex with one of his clients at the moment. Cindy did as she was told and quickly left the office.

'If I had a dime for every time I caught him in there like that...' she thought.

-

Harry was now fully clothed. And it did not feel very comfortable. Maybe he just liked the feeling of running around naked. Or maybe Cindy brought him pants that were so small they were skin tight, though he kind of liked the T-shirt that said 'Shit Happens when you Party Naked,' but he suspected she got that for him to be a smart-ass.

"Thank you for your hospitality, Harry, we must do this again sometime," Astoria said. Harry agreed, there was just something incredibly satisfying about the fact that Malfoy's fiancée was cheating on him, with him, Malfoy's archenemy. She was a bit easy, granted, but that was not surprising considering she's with Malfoy.

So now Harry had another job in addition to the muggle assault on the Prime Minister. He was more concerned with the Malfoy one. He wondered what kind of blackmail material he could find on him.

Malfoy never really redeemed himself, he thought. His mother did, by lying to Voldemort to save Harry, but only so she could be reunited with her son. If Voldemort would have been a bit nicer to the Malfoys, it might not have worked out so well. No matter though, Malfoy was still a pompous git, and Harry wanted to get revenge. He still couldn't believe he had saved his life. Malfoy must hate owing a life debt to him, but maybe not, the git.

-

The Chudley Cannons all gathered in the team training room. Harry and Ron sat down next to each other, pumped and ready for the first official practice.

Smith started to settle everyone down, "Alright guys, sit down. Before we start reviewing next weeks match, we need to discuss broomsticks."

Harry repressed a snicker at that, but it caught his attention all the same.

"Many of you are riding on outdated brooms," he said, pausing to look at Ron, "We need to order new ones for all of you, the team is handling the finances, of course. So grab a catalog, and make a pick."

Harry grabbed one and began looking through it, half-heartedly though, because he was rather attached to his Firebolt. "What's wrong with the one I've got, it's international standard." he asked.

"Yes well, it was international standard about 6 or 7 years ago, Potter. I take it you've had it that long? You wouldn't want to use it anyway then, something will probably happen to it playing pro."

Harry felt rather stupid and began looking more seriously after that.

"Weasley, what are you doing looking at racing brooms? You are a Keeper. You don't want something like that. I recommend the Omega, its a great Keeping broom, good lateral motion and speed. It's right up your Alley."

The Chasers and Beaters discussed options with their respected coordinators,Smart and Zimmerman, before they all chose a broom called the Nebula 1000, which was supposed to be good for fast maneuvering, great yaw and roll, and would make great all-around brooms for their positions. After awhile, a line of racing brooms caught Harry's eye. The makers claimed that they were great for making steep, high climbs to the heavens, even reaching Uranus once, (of course Harry had to laugh at that, which gained him some funny looks). Reading on, it said that it was perfect for vertical races back to the ground with incredible acceleration and speed, also it could quickly pitch back up or horizontal too land once reaching the ground.

Smith was looking over Harry's shoulder and said, "You know, Potter, that would be perfect for your dives, I was going to recommend an Atlas 6000, but I've heard this broom is incredible as well. I don't believe for a second they even made it out of the atmosphere with it, let alone to another planet, but I bet the rest of the description is accurate. Perfect for you."

Harry agreed and chose the newest one of the line, the Aftershock 2800.

"Alright, we'll have your brooms tomorrow. Now, lets get started on going over Holyhead," Smith said.

Harry got an insane grin, he couldn't wait to get revenge on Ginny.

"This will be one of our hardest games of the year, and we don't have too much on their new seeker, but hopefully Weasley can help us there, as it happens to be his sister, I think?" he finished with a question.

Ron looked like he wasn't prepared to be put on the spot, but recovered and simply said,"Yes."

"Right we'll get into that but first we need to discuss the match in general. The Harpies are a real bunch of bitches to play. We are playing them at their stadium too, which is even worse. Traditionally, they are all female, the only one in the league, and of course their fan base mostly is too. I assume they are focusing on delivering a real beating to us, especially since we are the only all-male team on the league this year. It's going to be the battle of the sexes to them. Be prepared, they will try to use their feminine wiles to distract you, as they have done it before."

At this point, Harry had a thought and raised his hand.

"Potter," Smith said, calling on him.

"I may have a solution to that. I would have to ask a friend of mine, but I remember learning in school about a potion that temporarily reverses sexual orientation, well actually I should say, It makes straight people want to be gay for awhile. It would have no effect on a homosexual, you think they would test for that potion?"

Smith looked at Harry like he just won the cup for them already. "No, thats fucking brilliant Harry! Can it be brewed in time?"

"I'll have to ask my friend, I don't trust myself with potions like this, she'll have to brew it."

"She's not a Holyhead fan is she?" asked Wood.

"I don't think she knows who Holyhead is. She's my girlfriend. Never watches Quidditch," Ron answered.

"If we do it, we could probably turn things around on them. You know, we're all athletic right? Just tighten up our robes a little maybe, flex our muscles, that kind of thing. Plus, I know the seekers got a thing for me anyway, she's my ex. Only thing is, we really have to keep ourselves from each other, ugh, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," Harry said.

All the other players had been nodding enthusiastically until Harry said that last part, now they looked sick.

Zimmerman said, "No we're doing it, a small dose should do, that should limit the Harpies affect, and hopefully none of you will do anything unspeakable. If you can seduce the other team instead, fuck, thats just crazy Harry, and let us know what your friend says."

Ron looked put out he asked Harry when she was his girlfriend, and Smith said, "Relax, it was his idea, he gets the credit." Harry was relieved, Ron would never be able to get her to brew it for Quidditch purposes.

"Anyway, tell us about your sis Ron."

-

"I need you to brew a potion, if it's possible," Harry said to Hermione the next day at lunch. It was Saturday, one week until the match.

"Sure, what one?"

"The Draught of the Rainbow."

Hermione looked at Harry extremely strange. 'What in the hell?' she thought.

"Why?" was all she said. Harry sighed. He could already tell by her reaction Ron kept his mouth shut. He would have to bullshit her on this one, if he said anything about Quidditch she probably wouldn't go for it.

"I need it for a case, I shouldn't go into detail but, I need to distract a group of people, men, and I don't think confounding them will cut it. I really don't want to do it, but this is a last resort for me, I really need your help, Hermione," he said gravely.

"Oh god, Harry. When do you need it?"

Harry was internally doing a dance for joy. He knew she would eat that shit up about him desperately seeking her help for something work related.

"I can't remember how long it takes to brew it, but I think my last chance to do this is Friday."

"I can have it by then, Harry, but I really, really want the story when your case is finished," she said with a smile.

Harry gave a forced looking smile, "Of course."

-

"Okay."

"Lets just do it."

"Cheers!"

"Fuck You"

"Bottoms Up!"

"Eat shit and die, Harry."

That last one came from Ron. The team was reluctantly drinking the Draught of the Rainbow that Hermione had produced. Harry drank his silently, dreading the effects.

"How long did you say it takes to start?" Orton, one of the chasers asked.

"Couple of minutes. 5 max. Lets just get out there," Harry replied.

Walking out of the tunnel into the stadium, they saw hundreds of women, hot, sexy women, booing them loudly from the stands. The was wearing their orange Chudley Cannons robes finally. Only, not how they expected, they were thin and skin tight, trying to display their bodies as much as they could without being too over the top. It was going to be bad enough turning gay for awhile.

A loud female voice bellowed over the stadium, "And now, your Holyhead Harpies! First year seeker, Ginny Weasley!" Ginny came running out, looking ugly as ever to Harry. She was wearing stupid looking dark eye shadow, and she had done her hair so she had horse-like bangs. And the potion hadn't even kicked in yet.

"Your Chasers, Angelina Johnson!" the announcer said with an emphasis on the G in her name."Gracie Hopkins! And Gabby Phillips!"

Definitely not gay yet, those chasers were looking really good, even Angelina looked better than usual. The team had on the skimpiest looking uniforms he had ever seen, all kinds of sexy, showing a lot of skin. 'And here's the potion,' he thought. He didn't see anything else that attracted him. In fact, he had never seen sluttier looking skanks, he thought, thinking of it negatively for the first time in his life. Yep, that potion worked. He could tell that they had took effort in dressing themselves up, like they were trying to be sexy for someone, certainly not him, he thought unimpressed.

"Your Keeper, Gretchen Franklin!

"Beaters, Gina Thomas, and finally your captain! Gwenog Jones!"

The crowd was screaming for their team. Harry was in a different zone and blocked out the sound. Ryan and Jones walked to the center and the beaters shook hands respectively. He mounted his Aftershock, the balls flew up and the ref blew the whistle. Casually climbing the air Harry watched as the snitch quickly zoomed out of site and noted Ginny was doing the same thing as him.

He noticed all of the Holyhead players were checking out the Cannon's asses. Come to think of it, watching Ryan bat a Bludger away, his wasn't looking too bad at the moment. Shaking himself violently at that thought, he decided to just focus on the snitch.

After about 20 minutes the Cannons were winning 30-0. Gretchen Franklin was a thick girl, which possibly helped her block the goals so well, but at the moment she seemed to have slipped, having eyes for Devin Forte, who had scored all three of the goals on her, instead of the Quaffle. Ron almost let in the Quaffle when staring at Brandon Davis who was desperately trying to stop Gabby Phillips from scoring. Harry and Ryan both yelled at him at the same time. The Harpies just thought they were finally distracting them, and turned up the charm, although it was really futile. Ron blocked out his own teams Chasers, just focusing on the Quaffle, similar to what Harry and the rest of the team were doing.

An hour later, the score 90-0, the Harpies and their fans were trying desperately to shake Ron's nerves (who was playing the game of his life), singing the negative version (the Slytherin version) of Weasley is Our King. It wasn't working, though, Ron had enough confidence to shake that, and enough rainbow colored potion in his system to shake off any attempts at seduction by the Holyhead Chasers and Beaters. Rex Orton scored his first goal of the night after that, (the other Cannon Chasers lingering a little longer than necessary congratulating him.) To the crowds's dismay, that made it 100 to 0. The snitch had not appeared yet, and Harry decided to play a little.

Ginny had been being a pain in the ass for the last 10 minutes, lingering near him, and he decided to feint, but not to the limit, yet. He paused while looking down, and smoothly started moving downward, going slow and upright. After a few seconds, he looked back to see Ginny looking around him, trying to see if he saw the snitch. He looked back to a place where she would not be able to see, and just so slightly accelerated. This was enough to where she passed him at a blazing speed, and Harry sped up close to her acting as if the Aftershock had already topped out. She then saw that snitch was either gone, or had not been there in the first place. Huffing, she looked around to see Harry stopped, calmly watching her.

She decided this was a good time to taunt him. "So Harry, how did you like riding my broomstick?"

To Harry's own confusion, he said,"It was the most wonderful feeling in my life."

Luckily she took this as sarcasm. Recovering, he then said,"Looks like your team is getting outclassed by the Cannons, bet you haven't even seen the snitch yet, in fact."

"You haven't seen it yet, either."

Somehow he knew it was low on the pitch, near the ground.

"On the contrary, you stupid bitch, it's way below us. By the way, you and your team, you especially though, look like a bunch of common ugly whores that should be on a street corner."

With that he rocketed to the ground, still not yet at full blast. Ginny hesitated, thinking he was feinting, then knew he wasn't when he had not stopped to look back. She tried to catch up to him, and she too had the snitch in her sights, it was about 3 feet from the ground. He opened up the Aftershock to full speed in his favorite accelerated free fall, and to his horror, the snitch streaked off at the last moment.

He was about to hit the ground feinting for the first time ever, but somehow managed to pull the Aftershock up. Breathing heavily, he looked down to see Ginny pull up her own broom, but her vertical speed just turned into horizontal and she slammed right into the wall of the stands, before falling the rest of the way to the ground.

An injury timeout was called and play stopped, and the rest of the Harpies as well as Ron went down to see if she was okay. Unfortunately she was still alive, but would not return to the game, having broken several bones, including fracturing her skull.

Revenge mission, accomplished, Harry thought. At this point, most of the Harpies fans were filing out of the stands. Their only hope they had was their seeker, it seemed. Too late for that anyway, the score was 150-0.

At this point Harry could have let the snitch do whatever it wanted, and give the Chasers a more dominating performance, but he wasn't sure how long the potion would last before everyone got distracted again. He raced to find it, with no restraint, and sure enough, making a graceful catch he ended the game 300-0.

--


	6. Wins and Fails

**Disclaimer: To reiterate the words of last week, never, ever drink a rainbow potion. I do not own Harry Potter in any way, shape, or form, as you can probably tell by the fact that this is posted on a fanfiction website.**

**A/N: I combined Chapters 1 and 2, so this would have been Chapter 7. Enjoy.**

* * *

**Cannons stun Harpies!**

_ HOLYHEAD, WALES – The Chudley Cannons defeated the Holyhead Harpies in a dominating performance Saturday night, finishing the game 300-0. The Cannons chasers were in top form, Rex Orton, Brandon Davis, and Devin Forte scored 15 goals together. The Cannons chasers looked extremely comfortable with each other, even raising a few eyebrows with their possibly over affectionate celebrations._

_ The Cannons rookie Keeper, Ron Weasley was unstoppable, blocking 11 goals from the rings. The Beaters looked good as well, Captain Ryan Wood and Mark Hardin protected the team well and stopped the Quaffle from even getting down to Ron Weasley several times._

_ The biggest question going into the game was if Harry Potters' skills catching the Snitch would carry over to the Isle League, and he did not disappoint. His debut couldn't have gone better, after a suicidal dive attempt to catch the Snitch ended rival Seeker and ex-girlfriend, Ginny Weasley's night, sending her out-of-control into the wall of Holyhead Stadium's raised grandstands. Ginny Weasley, had multiple injuries, including a skull fracture that may keep her out of Holyhead's game next week at Bellycastle. Harry Potter deftly caught the Snitch not long after, ending a beautifully played shutout._

_ Potter commented on the match in a press conference afterward,"Well, I wasn't intentionally trying to injure her... These things happen. Better her than me, though."_

_ When the Team Captain, Wood was asked about Harry's night he simply commented,"Harry's a great seeker, we just want to focus on next week, with Tutshill." Manager Lou Smith echoed Wood's words._

_ Indeed, the Cannon's home opener next Sunday, against the Tutshill Tornadoes should be a good one, maybe this is the Cannon's year after all._

-

Harry finished reading the article, pleased with it. It was Sunday morning and the team was currently staying at the team clubhouse, they had been put on a 48-hour, round-the-clock suicide watch after the game by Smith. Evidently, he caught Hardin and Davis trying to hang themselves in the locker room after the potion wore off. Supposedly they had been getting busy in there before it did wear off and Harry really didn't want to know if that was true. Harry himself had terrible thoughts of taking the easy way out, after having several fantasies that didn't really belong in his head.

Ron had taken a leave of absence from the Auror Corps to stay with the team. Harry caught him making a noose out of a bed sheet later on that night. Suicide watches after matches must have been a fairly common thing in Quidditch, at least for the Cannons anyway. They had a room designated for it, with bunks and tables all around, with a chair in the middle for one of the team staff to keep an eye on them. It wasn't really common practice to use the room after a win, though.

Later on Sunday, Wood took it upon himself to keep the team busy, and sure enough, Harry found himself sweating bullets on the practice pitch. After two days of being beat down, the team left Monday night, too tired to do anything, let alone think unclean thoughts.

-

Harry returned to work Tuesday morning.

"Rough weekend?" Cindy asked as he walked in.

"You don't even know the half of it," Harry replied, looking and feeling like he had just been through a war.

Settling down in his office with a cup of tea, an unusual beverage for him, he decided to start the case on Malfoy. Seeing as how the Prime Minister one wasn't shaking out yet, he needed something to keep himself occupied.

He grabbed some floo powder out of one of his drawers and kneeled down by his tiny office fireplace to keep make some calls.

An hour, and some floo powder later, he had found out that Malfoy was currently playing as a first year Seeker for the Falmouth Falcons, and had no position in the Ministry at all. He had been completely banned from the building, that way his father and him couldn't influence anyone there. He was also suspected of already cheating on his future wife. The Malfoy's had started some sort of Pureblood sub-society with some of the Voldemort sympathizers that were not found guilty of being the Death Eating type. This sort of bothered Harry, but if they were not committing any wrongdoing than it was okay with him.

He grabbed his jacket and decided he was going to pay the town of Falmouth a visit.

-

After 3 days of watching Malfoy's daily routine, Harry was frustrated. The Falcon's practice schedule was different from the Cannon's, they trained in the morning instead of the afternoon. So while Harry was getting some incredibly great recon on the team, who the Cannons played in less than 2 weeks, he wasn't getting anything on Malfoy's more important activities.

He bartered the info on the Falcons for a day off in training to see what the Magical Purity Society, as they called themselves, were up to. Smith was absolutely surprised and delighted to see that Harry's day job was helping the team and was happy to give him Friday off.

Harry had found out that the weekly meetings were on Friday nights, usually at Malfoy Manor, where Malfoy still lived with his parents. 'Ha ha, loser.' The meetings weren't always there, but hoped it was this Friday, or else he would be fucked. He knew how to get into the manor, after following Malfoy home one evening, but anywhere else and he might get caught. He had a contact in the Ministry monitoring Malfoy's apparating points, so he would be able to find out when and where he went to places. If he went someplace new, though, he wouldn't be able to find it in time.

Harry was chilling out on the Falcon's practice pitch all morning under his invisibility cloak, waiting, and finally Malfoy apparated away after changing in the locker room.

Harry got up and silently apparated to Malfoy Manor.

Silently, he invisibly came into existence outside the manor, Malfoy was just entering the gates. Harry crept in behind him and silently followed him up to the front door.

Harry went in before him and sneaked through the entryway. Malfoy went into the bathroom where he did not return for 2 hours. 'Damn', Harry thought, looking at his watch. 'Did he fall in or something, shit.'

Finally Malfoy came out when the doorbell rang. He opened the door and a witch walked in. Or, wait, 'Is that Blaise Zabini? Oh my fucking god, he's a transvestite,' Harry thought.

Blaise never had any female qualities in school, but some really idiot girls used to think he was for some reason. His name didn't even sound like a girl's name, but they continued to think he was. He was a guy, and everybody seemed to realize that around sixth year. His name was just barely mentioned enough to make people make up stupid stories about him before that.

Harry followed them up to the bedroom to see if they were up to something. He made the mistake of barely walking in when Malfoy shut the door with a wave of his wand, and then put up some privacy charms.

'Oh, no,' Harry thought, with the feeling he was about to witness something terrible. Looking at the door he thought about just bolting though it and making a run for it. He looked back to see Zambini and Malfoy making out.

'Oh, God, why? What have I done to deserve this?' he thought, slowly loosing his mind. He had to stay though, checking in on that meeting later was worth it.

Harry thought he may have to be put on another suicide watch after witnessing this. Or he could just Obliviate himself again. He wondered why he hadn't thought of that after the match against Holyhead. On the other hand, a few memories of some gay thoughts was not too bad of a price to pay though for remembering such a great match.

Trying to ignore and divert his thoughts from Malfoy getting pounded by Zabini, he got a wild idea.

"Obliviate, Obliviate. No one else was, or is still thankfully, in here or the rest of the house." He quickly opened the door and shut it behind him. He heard a noise from downstairs, and he knew that the rest of the Malfoys were home now, too. He got an evil idea at this point. He weaved his wand around, taking Malfoy's Silencing Charm down and set up an Sound Amplifying one instead. Feeling sick to his stomach still, he could loudly hear that Zambini and Malfoy had continued to go at it after he left.

Grinning like a maniac, he got out of the way to watch Lucius and Naricissa run up the stairs and throw open the door, catching their son in the unspeakable act.

The preceding events were enough to keep him entertained until the meeting.

-

It was Sunday afternoon and the Chudley Cannons were in their clubhouse getting ready for the game. Smart was going over plays with the Chasers, and Zimmerman was having a conversation with Ryan Wood, while the other Beater, Mark Hardin listened. Smith was praising Ron still after the last match and giving him advice, who was nodding his head enthusiastically.

It was last minute prep time, which meant Harry really had nothing more to do, really. He sat on the bench taking special care of the Aftershock, which had really saved his ass the last match.

Friday nights meeting was a bust. The Malfoys appeared to be doing nothing wrong. The meeting was utterly boring. Just a bunch of stuck up ponces opening and closing their cock-holsters, literally in Draco Malfoy's case. They argued for awhile about who's family is more honorable and blood worthy, and which family sucked the most, (which Harry thought had to be the Malfoy's considering). Overall, he had never seen a group of people spew so much bullshit, then try to shovel it at each other. It really sucked, and Harry was really disappointed.

After the bullshit ended, Harry slipped out with the last guest to leave, contemplating self-obliviation. He didn't though, wondering how many times he had been Memory Charmed by his own wand. No, this kind of behavior had to stop, one day he might pull a Lockhart and fry his own brain.

Smith looked up, "It's time, get out there."

The left the clubhouse locker room heading out through the stadium tunnel. Taking a peek out into the stadium, he saw a massive sea of orange, and it seemed they had sold out the home opener.

A booming deep voice echoed over the stadium. "Ladies and Gentlemen, this year's Chudley Cannons!"

Everyone cheered. "At Seeker, the Boy-Who-Lives, the Defeater of You-Know-Who, the one and only, HARRY POTTER!"

Harry ran out onto the pitch, holding the Aftershock aloft, and the crowd went absolutely ape-shit.

"The Keeper, Ron WEASLEY! Chasers, Brandon DAVIS, Devin FORTE, and Rex ORTON!" They all ran out onto the pitch beside Harry.

"And finally, the Beaters, Mark HARDIN and Captain RYAN WOOD!"

The Captains shook hands and everyone kicked off after the whistle starting the game. Harry ended it immediately.

"Cannons get the Quaffle, Davis to Forte, back to Davis, to, WHAT?! POTTERS GOT SNITCH, CANNONS WIN, CANNONS WIN!"

A large cannon of to the side of the pitch went of with a tremendous bang, and every Cannons player mobbed Harry in midair.

"A new record everyone! 3 seconds into the game, Potter wins it. 150-0!"

Harry almost felt bad, nobody even got a chance to do anything, the fans didn't seem to care about the lack of a short game, though. They stayed up in the stands and partied for hours after the match ended.

Harry landed and handed the Snitch to Smith. He just looked at it then at Harry.

"Good lord, Potter, this is surprising even for you," he said shaking his head. "Good job, everyone, lets all go talk to the press."

They all followed Harry off to the side where reporters crowded around him, ambushing him with questions. He looked over to the other side of the pitch to see the Tornadoes seeker, Bob Plumpton had lost his temper, he was picking up shit and tossing it left and right. Harry just shrugged, if he indeed caught it in 3 seconds, he had just broken Plumpton's grandfather's record.

Ryan Wood was beside Harry watching the same thing, he said,"You know, I don't know why he's so mad, you might have let him off easy. I won't be surprised if half the Seekers we play this year end up like Ginny Weasley and that girl that tried out."

Harry agreed but added in,"Yeah, but most of them have looks to lose, if anything Ginny would have to come out of that looking better, because she couldn't have gotten any uglier."

-

It was dinner night at the Burrow. Harry and Ron had arrived after the game. Walking through the door he was met with a warm welcome from the whole family and extended family as usual. Except for Ginny, she gave him one cold glance and ignored him from that point on. Angelina was not there with George.

As it turned out, the injuries Ginny sustained had in fact made her uglier, which was surprising. Then again, she always got a little bit uglier to Harry, every time he looked at her, in fact. She was wearing a stupid little Holyhead hat.

"Incredible game, Harry. Didn't think it was even possible to catch the Snitch that fast," Charlie said. Harry gave him the full rundown of how it happened.

After dinner at the Burrow, everybody stayed to celebrate with Harry and Ron. They drank, talked about good times, talked about bad times, and drank some more. Harry knocked Ginny's hat off her head at one point, revealing her head, which had been shaved bald by the healers. After a while things got fuzzy.

-

Harry woke up in Ron's room in the morning. He breathed a sigh of relief at this, until he noticed a bald head laying on the pillow beside him.

'Fuck,' he thought.'How is it that every time I come over here, I end up sleeping with her.'

Some of his memories from the night before came back to him and he nearly burst into laughter. He had given her a Dirty Sanchez at one point, and he also remembered Donkey punching her in the back of her head when he was finished, which had knocked her out cold for the rest of the night.

He couldn't get over how ugly she actually was, especially with no hair. Her head was freaking block shaped. Good thing the males have the dominant genes in the Weasley family, cause the women weren't very good looking. Coming up with a plan in his head, he pulled out his wand and cast a silencing charm around the room. He then shot some ropes out of his wand to tie her to the bed. He gagged her with one of Ron's old shirts, which caused her to wake.

She let off a startled, but muffled yelp.

They were both still naked, and Harry decided to get a little more payback for what she did to him that one morning.

First he gave her a Cleveland Steamer, and the he found a handle from an old broomstick laying on Ron's floor and he shoved up someplace where the sun doesn't shine. Literally really, considering Ginny's ass cheeks were as pale as a sheet of paper.

She screamed into the shirt and Harry got dressed and decided to leave her there. The ropes should disappear in about an hour anyway.

"Don't ever sleep with me again," he said before walking out of the room.

-

Harry couldn't believe Malfoy was actually not doing anything wrong. Actually, he had to clarify that with himself, he wasn't doing anything dark or evil. On the other hand, you really had to define dark and evil, cause he really could be considering.

The pureblood meetings were not being held to plan anything malicious. In fact, if they wanted to be all inbred, he had no right to stop them. Still, Harry called Astoria to his office to give her the information he found, and call it case closed.

"Harry, Miss Greengrass is here to see you," Cindy said before ushering in Astoria.

"Astoria, thank you for coming, I wanted to share what I found out about your future husband with you.

"First though, I want to know what you already knew, I need to know why you needed me to find out the rest. Everything," he said with an emphasis on the last word.

"Well, I knew he attended meetings that excluded me, although my parents were present at most. I also know he didn't want to invite me," she said.

"I know what the meeting are for, I happened to attend one last week, unknown to them. I know why you weren't invited now, too. The Malfoy family and the Greengrass family were deciding on, and approving of the marriage of the two families. Congratulations, an arranged marriage, I can just feel the love," he said, ending sarcastically.

"Well I suspected as much, but ultimately had the final say, I don't care if I get disowned by my family. I will still marry him anyway, provided he wasn't doing anything else," she said.

"Nothing like before, if your thinking of when he was a Death Eater. I must assume you don't know that he's cheating on you already. Did you?."

"Yes, I know that he cheats on me, Pansy Parkinson, ugly bitch. Also that hag, Millicent Bulstrode, words can't describe how low his standards must be."

Harry took a moment to consider that. He hadn't seen Millicent Bulstrode lately, but somehow knew that she would be within Drunk Harry's standards, who didn't seem to have any standards to speak of. He started thinking his drinking was making him schizophrenic, and wondered how long it would be before his friends chucked him into the nuthouse.

He noticed Astoria was looking at him impatiently, and thought about what the next thing he was going to say.

Clearing his throat, he said, "Those aren't all, did you know he was cheating on you with Blaise Zabini?"

"Fucking faggot. Are you sure?"

"Witnessed it, unfortunately. Zabini was dressed up like a girl," he said.

"Not too surprising really, come to think of it, always thought he was on the fruity side," she said. He did not know whether she was talking about Zambini or Malfoy.

"Also, your sister, Daphne."

"WHAT!" she screamed, enraged.

"Settle down, Greengrass, really," he said trying to calm her.

"My own sister! Him taking it up the ass is one thing, but my sister? That motherfucker. Regularly? Cause he can't even get me off, I don't see why she would come back," she said hysterically.

"Calm down, here, have a drink, that it," he said, handing her a firewhiskey.

She drank it immediately, looking at Harry meaningfully. "How about I get revenge on him, again?"

Harry thought about it, while he normally didn't have a problem taking advantage of a woman in a distressed state, he now came to the conclusion that this was Malfoy's sloppy seconds.

"Sorry, Greengrass, I just want paid," he said.

She looked miserable, but he didn't give a shit. She pulled out a Gringotts bank draft out of her purse.

"Ah, no, sorry, can't accept that, I only take gold and Muggle money," he said, thinking of his personal war with the fucking goblins.

She looked like she was about to snap on him, then pulled a pouch out of her purse, emptying the contents on his desk, which was hundreds of Galleons and Sickles.

She slammed her firewhiskey on the desk and exited the office.

Harry just sat there, not believing he had actually just turned down sex.

-

"You gave me Gonorrhea, asshole!"

Harry looked around at his teammates, who were all looking at him amused, except for Ron. Ginny had somehow fire called the Cannon's locker room, livid, right before their match against Falmouth.

"I don't even know what you are talking about, I don't have Gonorrhea, you must have gotten it from someone else," he said to her head in the fire, wishing it actually were on fire like it looked.

"But you're the only one I ever fucked!" she yelled, looking like she wished she could come through the fire and kill Harry. The locker room fireplace only let calls in and out, not people. She must have gotten the address from Ron, and Harry made sure to remember to get some revenge on him for it.

Unsure how to respond to that he said, "Right, well got to go, match and all."

With that said, he kicked his foot into the fire, right into her face, putting her on her ass on the other side. The connection ended.

He turned around and Smith had appeared, looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Whatever. Let's get out there, kick ass like we've been doing, and don't let these motherfuckers beat up on you. They foul a lot, so Chasers be on your game for the free ones. Ron, like Harry said, their beaters are brutal, they won't hesitate to send one at you, whether the Quaffle's in the box or not, stay on your guard," he said looking at the players he was addressing.

"Potter, try to break your record last week, Wood, Hardin, keep control of those Bludgers, it is crucial today. You got anything else to add Wood?"

"Yes, coach! We need to annihilate these bastards, show them how a good team can play fair and win, but still knock the shit out them! Lets go Cannons! WE SHALL CONQUER!" Wood bellowed out. The team all screamed in return, "WE SHALL CONQUER!"

Looking incredibly pumped up they ran out of the tunnel, the Cannons ran out onto the pitch with the usual introductions.

Harry stood up straight mounting his broom, looking at Malfoy the whole time. The ref blew the whistle but this time the Snitch was smart enough to get the hell away from Harry as soon as possible.

He flew around the pitch keeping a good eye out, waiting for Malfoy to come try to fuck with him. Malfoy kept his distance though, circling the pitch on the opposite side of Harry.

Ron started off bad, letting in a Quaffle and ending his streak. Harry shouted out some words of encouragement as he went by. It was a pretty evenly matched, Harry thought. 10-10, Rex had just scored for Chudley. The Cannon's Chasers were big and burly, they weren't really taking any shit from the Falmouth Chasers. The Cannons Beaters on the other hand, were doing outstanding. Everytime it looked like the Quaffle was going to be turned over to the Falcons, they managed to send a Bludger the opposing Chaser's way. The Falcon's Keeper, Brian Moorehead was keeping the other team alive. The Cannon's Chasers were having a hard time breaking him.

At the score 20-10 in the Falcon's favor, Harry knew it was up to him to win the game. Not that he wasn't wanting to fuck up Malfoy in the meanwhile.

Slowing down, while still keeping an eye out for the snitch, he let Malfoy fly in close to him.

"Potter," Malfoy greeted, almost politely.

"Malfoy," Harry said in return, nodding his head towards him.

"Just like the old Gryffindor-Slytherin matches, isn't it Potter," Malfoy said.

'It is,' Harry thought, only instead of his familiar scarlet and gold robes, he had the Cannon's orange and black. Instead of Malfoy wearing Green and Silver, he had on the Falcon's colors, their robes were dark grey, almost black, in fact. They reminded him of Death Eaters. Only Death Eater's didn't have big white falcons on their chests.

Still, though, Malfoy was almost being civil to him, very strange. Harry thought he saw the snitch out of the corner of his eye, he didn't look that way, not wanting to alert Malfoy of it's presence.

"You know Draco, the other day I saw Blaise Zabini. He was looking really pretty," Harry said as if they were good buddies, looking Malfoy in the eye.

"You did, did you?" Malfoy said looking away flustered. He brushed it off like nothing happened.

"Yeah, I did. Almost like he was dressing up for someone." Harry said, looking at Malfoy knowingly.

Malfoy turned red and looked away. "Yeah, well, I've been seeing your girlfriend lately Potter, the redheaded, blood-trading bitch, real upset you crashed her into a wall."

Malfoy wouldn't have said that if he had seen her lately, he wouldn't have tried baiting Harry with it if he did.

Misinterpreting Harry's silence, but not having much else to say, he continued, "Yeah, real shame she's still ugly."

At this Harry let out a snort, "One thing we actually agree on," Harry said laughing. If Draco wasn't rattled before, he really was now, he needed Harry to rise to something. Meanwhile Harry saw the Snitch out of the corner of his eye again.

"You know Draco, I saw your fiancé a couple of weeks ago. Intimately. Did you know she has a scar high on her left leg near her snatch?"

Draco turned white as a sheet as Harry sped off in the direction of the Snitch. Harry wasn't flying downward this time, but he shocked Malfoy long enough to get a head start and snatch the Snitch out of the air easily with time to spare, if he had needed.

"CANNONS WIN, POTTERS GOT THE SNITCH!"

As Harry flew down, he looked around and watched Malfoy. He didn't look overly pissed, just nodded knowing Harry got the best of him and flew off the pitch sportsmanlike.

Shaking his head at that, Harry was mobbed once again by the rest of the Cannon's players.

-

Later in the clubhouse, Smith walked up to Harry and popped down on his knees, which was not an easy task for someone his age.

Looking in Harry's eyes, he asked, "Potter, will you marry me?"

Everyone erupted in torrents of laughter.

Smith stood up and Harry looked around at everyone in his boxers with a straight face.

"What? That isn't shit compared to what I actually said to Malfoy before I caught the Snitch," Harry said, before telling them all the story with Malfoy's future wife and what was said during the match.

Harry was the only one that had even started changing out of his robes, which was unfortunate because he ended up getting showered with beer right after that. It was more of a party than it was a debrief on the game.

The press tried to get in once, but Harry locked them out with a special locking charm he cast with his wand.

They partied for hours, the team's managers tried calming everyone a couple times, before giving up and joining them. After lots of sprayed beer and several shouts of, "WE SHALL CONQUER!", the team decided to call it a night.

--


	7. The US Department of Magic

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

Harry was walking through a dark passageway at Hogwarts. He didn't really know what he was doing there, but knew he must have had some purpose. Walking past a classroom, he heard strange noises coming from within. He felt he should check it out, just in case someone needed help.

Opening the door, he knew right away it wasn't someone in trouble, but rather two people loudly having sex. He knew that he shouldn't watch, but couldn't tear his eyes away. In fact, the woman looked familiar...

"Mom?" he asked, almost sounding childlike. The couple paused and Harry took a few steps into the classroom.

"Harry!" she said surprised. It was indeed Lily Potter. Harry got a deep sense of foreboding, something evil was at work here. At that time, the man turned around, and it wasn't James Potter.

"Snape! No!" Harry said, hysterically.

"Son?" Snape asked, sounding concerned.

"No!" Harry said, and turned to the side of the classroom and saw a mirror. A pale face, curtained with greasy long hair stared back at him. It was pale and had a hook nose.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Sitting up with a start, and panting wildly, Harry looked around and saw that he had been laying on his couch in his apartment.

Catching his breath, he walked into the bathroom and turned on the shower. Setting it to the coldest setting, still fully clothed, he sat down into the steam of water and brought his knees up to his chest, slowly rocking himself.

"Only a dream, only a dream."

-

Kingsley decided to pay Harry a visit today, just to be friendly and also to see if the taxpayer money was being spent well. Walking into Harry's waiting area, he noticed Harry's secretary wasn't there. The door to Harry's office was cracked open though, so he decided just to go in. Walking in he saw Harry was sitting upright at his desk with a strange look on his face, like he was daydreaming or something.

"Am I interrupting anything Harry?" he asked. To the Minister's surprise, Cindy, Harry's secretary climbed out from under Harry's desk looking slightly disheveled and walked briskly out the door.

"Yes, you were interrupting something Kingsley, but thats okay, have a seat, " Harry said while zipping his fly, straightening up, and calming himself.

Kingsley was shocked, but sat down anyway.

"What can I do for you then?" Harry asked.

"I was just wanting to see how far you are on the case, I heard you were on a Quidditch team and wanted to make sure you hadn't forgot about your other obligations." Kingsley said.

"Well, so far I have the names of the men who did it. Nothing else though, don't have them, hell, don't even know their motive yet."

"Really, so your gonna sit in here getting blowjobs all day, instead of working?" Kingsley asked irritated.

"Nothing I can do really, I have set things in motion to the point where if any of these guys sticks their heads up for a second, I'm gonna have them trapped," Harry said.

Kingsley looked like he wanted to ask more about that, but Harry cut him off.

"I'm not telling you how, I don't want to give away any trade secrets. I just know who the dangerous one of the group is, I think it would be a waste of time to actively look for him, instead of letting him come to me. He won't know that's what he will be doing, but as soon as he tries to leave the country, he's mine, he's American you see."

Harry's phone started ringing. "Harry Potter's office, Potter speaking," he answered.

"Really, that's great, I'll be there in 20 minutes." He hung up the phone.

"Got him!" Harry said with enthusiasm.

"Really?" Kingsley asked in disbelief. It would be like Harry to fake something like this to make a getaway.

"Yep, tried getting a flight out of Heathrow. Thats where they are holding him. Wanna come?"

Kingsley declined. He really had other things he should to attend to. Plus he hated airports, who doesn't really?

"Okay then." Harry grabbed his jacket and disapparated.

-

Harry stepped into the interrogation room and shut the door behind him. A bald headed man with a goatee and two hoop earrings was glaring at him, shackled to his chair from the other side of the table.

Harry took a seat and lit a cigarette.

"Why did you attack the Prime Minister?"

Powers eyes widened before saying, "I want a lawyer."

"Like I give a shit what you want or don't want. You were not arrested. You are captured. By me," Harry said dangerously.

"Let me ask again, why did you attack the Prime Minister?" Harry asked.

"Fuck you, you stupid Brit." Powers replied.

"That was the wrong answer."

Harry reached out and put his cigarette out on the man's bald head.

"Ah, you motherfucker, HELP THIS ASSHOLE IS CRAZY!" he yelled. Like it mattered, Harry had already put silencing charms up while walking in.

"They can't hear you, so, why did you attack the Prime Minister?

"Fuck you."

"Wrong answer, shitbag."

This time Harry grabbed one of Powers' hoop earrings and yanked it out of his ear.

"Listen man, they'll cut off my dick if I tell anyone." Powers replied screaming.

"That can be arranged by me as well, Mr. Clean," Harry said producing a large knife out of his pocket.

Powers had a feeling Harry wasn't bluffing. "Okay man, I did it to try and find out where the freak's villages are here."

"Freaks?" Harry asked.

"You know, magic doing freaks."

Harry's blood drained from his face. He had enough with this guy, using Legilimency, he raped the guys mind.

He found out that Powers worked for an organization of Muggles that hunted Wizards. They were based out the the United States in the Midwest, and were looking for new areas to exterminate the Wizards.

Powers fell back in his chair and looked up at Harry with even wider eyes.

"You're one of the freaks," he said.

Harry just looked down at him, holding his wand loosely at his side.

"Unfortunately for you, I am freakiest of the freaks and this is my freakshow, motherfucker. _Crucio_," he said.

Powers screams were deafening. Harry let loose of the spell after about 30 seconds. He seriously considered killing the man. This interrogation was off the books and nobody knew this guy was even in the country but him. He even had a plan to dispose of the body, but decided to take the easy way and stunned him. He then walked outside the room, memory charming all of the men that had apprehended Powers. He went back to the interrogation room and picked up the ashtray. "Portus." With that he grabbed Powers and Portkeyed them both straight to the Ministry of Magic.

Harry and Powers re-appeared in the atrium, and Harry used his wand to levitate Powers in the chair he was still bound to. He began walking to the lifts and did not stop for security, but merely said, "Prisoner. Taking him to the Aurors."

If they were satisfied with that, Harry didn't stay to find out. Continuing on, he took Powers and himself up to Level 2, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. As they were the only ones on the lift, he quickly modified Powers memory, so that he didn't remember Harry torturing him with an unforgivable. He set the chair down when he reached the Auror's section of the floor. A couple of them were looking at him funny.

"Prisoner is a Muggle, apprehended for intent to cause crimes against Wizards," Harry said with an official sounding voice.

"Apprehended, huh? With your super citizen power?" one of the wise-assed Aurors said. They apparently still harbored hard feelings about Harry's resignation.

"You will find that I have the Ministers full cooperation and assistance with this investigation. Mostly, because he deemed you were all too incompetent to handle it," Harry said hotly.

Harry stuck his arms out and leaned on the back of the chair and tilted his head to one side. "Look, just take him, and interrogate him on his purpose for being in the country, that's all you need to know. I already have all the information I need out of him, but I figured you guys might want something to do."

He turned away from them, not looking for a response and headed back to the lifts. Time to pay Hermione a visit. Level 4 was the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. His first thought upon entering this section of the Ministry was to compare it to the zoo he visited with the Dursleys when he was 10 years old.

'Good Lord,' he thought. There were all sorts of different Creatures on this floor. Some were beasts and shackled to the wall, some were Hags, Vampires and other beings of the like, and they were simply sitting in chairs in what appeared to be a waiting area. Harry caught the attention of a couple of Ministry workers near him.

"Where can I find Hermione Granger?"

One of the witches pointed at the first office on the left in the 'Being' Division.

"She's busy at the moment though..." She said trailing off as Harry walked away.

Bursting into the office which said, 'Elf Liaison' on the door, he saw Hermione sitting at a desk across from from an extremely jumpy looking House Elf. Hermione looked up at him questioningly.

"Emergency," he said to her. Looking down at the Elf, he said to it, "Wait outside, please."

Dismissed, the Elf quickly left the office, darting around Harry. Harry closed the door behind it.

"What's going on Harry," Hermione asked, annoyed because he could have dismissed the Elf a little more politely.

"Relax, I was more rude to the Aurors a minute ago. I need your help, What do you know about the Wizarding World in America? Do they have an ambassador here? Do we have one there?" He asked in a way not unlike what Hermione herself would do.

"Only a little, they have a government much like we do. It's more labeled as a secret Department of the Muggle's government, though, then it actually being a separate Ministry like ours. And, magical governments don't usually have ambassadors, Harry. They're pretty independent of other countries governments, plus the ease of magical transport makes them pretty obsolete. Why?"

Harry processed that and answered, "I need to go over there and investigate something pretty damn important. Something I may need a little diplomacy for."

"Why don't you talk to the Minister, then, he may want to go over there with you," she said.

"No, no. He probably doesn't have the time, and if someone has to go with me, I would rather it be you. If anything, just so I can bounce some ideas off you."

"Well okay, but you should still talk to Kingsley, at least so I can get some time off here," Hermione said.

"Right, on the way out I will. Pack your bags, we're going the Muggle way," he said.

"But, why?"

"I don't want to draw any unwanted attention going by Portkey."

-

Five hours later, Harry and Hermione had first-class tickets on a transatlantic flight to Washington D.C. Harry had cast a muffling charm on their seats so they could talk about what was going on. Harry had told her of what he knew so far from the investigation. After that they went over the plan once they got there.

"So their offices are actually within the Muggle's capitol building?" Harry asked.

"Yes, its underneath it, they really don't need as much space as ours does, there's a lot less structure, and a lot less people to govern," she said.

'Only a little she says, yeah right, she knows only a little less than the Americans themselves,' he thought.

"Okay, so we can find their offices right?" he asked.

"Yes, but what exactly are we going to be doing there?"

"We need to find out what this group has been up to, and inform the government I will be investigating the Wizard Hunters as well," he said.

-

Muggle security was tight at the U.S. Capitol Building, but they both got access to it by posing as tourists (which was pretty easy because of their accents) and taking a tour. Hermione seemed thrilled about learning how the American's government worked, while Harry was predictably bored.

Harry was glad when they reached the entrance to the Wizarding section of the building and practically had to pull Hermione away from the rest of the group to slip off. The area was under Muggle repelling charms, so the tour group continued on, not noticing the archway hiding the passageway they slipped had through. It led to a large staircase which led them underground.

When they reached the bottom, Harry figured their had to be a mistake. This couldn't be the Wizard's Department of Magic. The place was in a terrible state of disrepair. Tables and desks were upturned and papers were strung everywhere. Paintings were either on the floor or their frames were crooked on the walls. An American flag lay on the ground, with the pole holding it, tipped over. The place did not look unlike Britain's Ministry of Magic after the last war.

Harry looked at Hermione, who looked more shocked than him.

"So I take it there aren't anymore charms hiding this place then?" He asked, thinking of Hogwarts and what it was supposed to look like to Muggles.

"No, something terrible must have happened here," she said.

"Your sure that this is-"

"Yes. Yes, this is where the Department of Magic has been located for the last 200 years, Harry. Even if they relocated, they wouldn't leave this behind looking like this," she said looking down at the flag on the floor.

"Let's take a look around then, we need to-" Harry was cut off by a loud crash in one of the back offices. Harry and Hermione looked at each other and by silent agreement, they took their wands out and began to cautiously make their way towards the noise.

A voice from behind them cut through the silence, "It sure is a wreck-" was all the farther it got before Harry effectively stunned the man who had sneaked up behind them.

"Sure is," Harry said, answering the unconscious man.

"Harry!" Hermione said, almost sounding outraged.

The man looked to be pretty damn old, maybe in his 70s. He was wearing a shabby looking cloak, and obviously a wizard, so Harry found his wand and took it.

"What? He could be a threat, look at this place," Harry said, unapologetic. He bound the man with ropes and Hermione cast ennervate to wake him.

"Whasit?" the dazed man asked from the floor. Harry had nailed him pretty good with that stunner.

"Who are you?" Harry asked firmly, keeping his wand trained on him.

"The janitor, who the hell are you?" the man said, getting his bearings back.

Harry looked up, annoyed. "Right, and this place is looking tip-top, by the way. Try again," he said.

"No one's ever said that I am a good one," the man explained.

Harry wasn't really in the mood for games, but recognized this man was probably an ally. He lit a cigarette and took a few drags.

The man coughed, and Hermione chastised him, "You really shouldn't smoke, Harry."

Harry just leveled her a look that told her to shut up. Looking back at the man he raised his voice a little and firmly said, "No one has ever said you were a good janitor because you're not a janitor. What are you doing here?"

The man sighed, he looked around defeated and said, "Okay. I'm not a janitor. I used to be the Secretary of Magic, I'm William Larson."

Hermione gasped and Harry looked at her. She looked down at Larson in recognition. "But you look so old now."

"I am old, Miss?"

"Granger, Hermione Granger," she said calmly.

"Miss Granger, pleasure to meet you, uh could you untie me?" Larson asked.

"Yes, well, we could. We really don't have to, though," Harry answered. Hermione was already vanishing the ropes, though. Harry just crossed his arms.

Larson brushed himself off and looked at Harry. "And my wand?"

"Nope, we need some answers first," Harry said.

"Okay, I assume your Harry Potter then?" he asked. Harry merely grunted in affirmative. "What do you want to know?"

"What don't we want to know? What in the hell happened here? Why is this place in ruins?" Harry asked, putting his cigarette out on the marble floor.

Larson sighed and sat down on a desk that was still upright. "You might want to sit down."

"That's okay, I'll stand. Give me some answers," Harry said. This man was getting on his nerves, politician or ex-politician, they all tend to have that effect on him.

"We had a war. We lost. I am not Secretary of Magic anymore, because that position doesn't exist anymore. Neither does the Department of Magic. There can't be a secretary without a department."

Hermione put her hand over her mouth. Harry just stared at Larson. "Yeah, we kind of gathered that last part. A war, huh? A war with who? The Muggles?" Harry asked.

"Well yes, in the end we had one with the Muggles. Before that though, we had a Civil Wizarding war amongst ourselves, not unlike the one you had across the pond. I don't know if I would consider the one with the Muggles a war. Is it really a war when you don't fight back and they slaughter you?"

Harry took a moment to collect his thoughts and asked, "Why didn't you contact us? We could have helped."

Larson gave a rueful laugh. "How could you have helped? Our civil war was going on at the same time as yours, Britain's hands were tied. It was for different reasons, of course. Something as trivial as Blood Purity? Please. We couldn't even decide which side was which over there."

"It ended 2 years ago. When did the Muggles find out about you?" Harry asked.

"About a year and a half ago. I suppose some of them always knew about us, really. Then the war got out of hand, exposed ourselves one times to many, I guess. The general public and mainstream media never noticed it, of course. It was the Muggle's supermarket tabloids, believe it or not. A group of Muggles got together, decided it would be a good idea to find our villages and burn them all to the ground," Larson said quietly.

"Yeah, I know how that goes, I've exposed myself more than one time, as well," Harry said.

The joke flew right over Larson's head though, and he just looked at Harry. "So, the war's been over in Britain now for a while. You couldn't ask us for help? Or someone else? Or even contact us to warn us this group was looking to move on? Why do you think we are here now?" Harry said looking slightly pissed.

Larson paled, he hadn't thought of them moving on outside the United States. "Oh god. Have they moved on?"

"No, well, I don't know, they have sent at least one scout to Britain to assess our situation. Who knows about anywhere else."

"Huh. Well, the reason we didn't ask anyone for help is because we had no idea of the gravity of the situation, ourselves. We were too arrogant to see that the Muggles could catch us off guard and collapse us. It happened so fast, we couldn't ask for help. To be honest we really didn't want to seem weak to any other country, either. A mistake, I know. I wish we had it to do over again."

"Well, I want to know more about this murdering group of Muggles. And why in the hell were you guys having a civil war, if it wasn't about blood purity?"

Larson looked at Harry like he was stupid, and said, "the slavery of House Elves."

Harry turned towards Hermione, wide eyed. "Don't you say a fucking word, Hermione."

--

Harry caught a flight to St. Louis, Missouri from Washington. He had instructed Hermione to go back to London and update Kingsley on what they had found. She had wanted to go with him to track down these bastards, but Harry refused to take her with him.

Larson wasn't much help when the topic of where the Wizard Hunters were located now.

"I'm not real sure, Iowa, I think? No, that's not right, Illinois, well maybe Indiana, I really don't know Harry, It's one of those 'I' states, though," he had told Harry. Powers fucked up memories were actually more helpful in this case, and he knew that the Wizard Hunters held meetings in a city in Illinois. Harry would have to drive up there from St. Louis.

Harry's thoughts were interrupted by the flight attendant asking him if he wanted something to drink. She wasn't bad looking, he thought. Normally he would have been dying to renew his membership in the mile high club, but he had other things to worry about at the moment.

"Rum and Coke, please," he said, handing her an American bill. "If you have it, anyway."

She set him up with his drink and continued on. Harry had lost his train of thought, though.

-

Harry landed at Lambert International, and grabbed a map of Illinois on his way out through the airport. He figured the quickest way to get where he was going was to drive. Problem was, he didn't have a car here. He figured he was a wizard though, and could easily steal one if he wanted to.

Walking out to the parking garage there, he looked around at all the possibilities. One car in particular caught his eye and he grinned.

It was what most people would call a piece of shit, a 1970's era black Pontiac Trans-Am. The paint was faded and it had rust spots all over, but Harry didn't care. He saw a potentially easy car to steal, and he liked the fact that it had the outline of a gold phoenix on the front.

"Yeah."

He unlocked it with his wand and got in. He looked down to see that the keys were left in the ignition.

"Hell yeah."

He started the car up and the radio began blaring some old 80's classic butt rock. Smiling, he turned the radio up and put the car in gear. He burned the tires while pulling out of the parking spot. He drove around the garage for awhile before he found the exit.

"Pass?" asked a fat lady at the booth.

_"Confundo," _Harry said.

"Have a nice day," she said, opening the gate.

Harry pulled off singing along with the song, "Don't need nothing but a good time, how can I resist?"

-

It took Harry about an hour and a half to reach the city he was looking for, Decatur. He drove at top speed down the freeway the whole time. He had to use the Confoundus Charm on a some unsuspecting policemen a few times, though.

He really didn't have many leads at this point, so he decided to get a hotel room in Decatur and call it a night. He found a decent looking motel that offered cable television and a pool with a hot tub and stopped there.

Stepping out of the car, he sniffed the air a few times.

"This place smells like shit."

--

A/N: I really didn't know where to end this chapter, but Decatur really does smell bad. Pretty irrelevant, I know, but I needed a headquarters for the evil Muggles and I picked Decatur. I mean, I would be evil if I lived there, too.


End file.
